We start the show with Detective Ray Velcoro (Colin Farrell) trying to get his kid excited for school. If there’s ever been a kid who looks less like his father they couldn’t find him for this role.
Then we get to the questioning. Ray is getting questioned in preparation to get custody of his son. We learn that his wife was severely injured (murdered?) when she was pregnant with their son, then they got divorced. We also learn that Ray “welcomes judgement”. Good to know, Ray.
We’re introduced to Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn) in a flashback where Ray is meeting him to find out who hurt (again - murdered?) his wife. Frank is a business man. Frank knows lots of things, and there’s the immediate vibe that Frank is real bad. He also has a wife who loves him.
Soon enough, Frank’s worried he’ll be under investigation as the crime scene in Vinci is starting to get watched. Luckily he is buds with Detective Ray!
An old guy is in an old car with a creepy-ass bird in the front seat and someone else driving.
Rachel McAdams (and her butt) graces our screens as Sheriff Ani Bezzerides who is having an argument with her boyfriend. But girl ain’t got no time for that so she kicks him out so she can get to work busting a porn ring. It’s there that she runs into her sister who she tells to go back on drugs if it means she’ll stop doing porn.
And finally we meet Paul Woodrugh (Taylor Kitsch), who pulls over a high parole-breaking actress who he gets a blow job from to not give her a ticket. He then gets suspended from work and is mad about it.
Ray is an addict of some nature, that much we know. He shows up drunk at his kids school and yells at him to find out who is bullying him (um… maybe you are?).
There’s a Pantsablahblah church that Ani has to investigate for a missing girl, and because it’s apparently run by her father.
We saw Taylor Kitsch’s butt and found out his character needs a little help to get it up for his super hot girlfriend who is obsessed with butterflies.
Ray beats up a 12-year-olds father because the 12-year-old bullied his chubby red-headed son.
Turns out the old creepy guy with the bird in the car from the beginning is dead.
The episode finished up with Ray and Frank meeting again, in present day, and Ray seemingly giving up all the information the investigative journalist has on Frank so he doesn’t have to worry about him writing his business up. Ani is getting shitfaced at a crappy casino that she gets kicked out of. And Paul is speeding real fast down the highway on his motorcycle because that’s probably the only way he feels alive.
However this leads him to the creepy old dead dude, who was dragged out of the car with the bird and placed at a picnic table. This prompts calls to both Ray and Ani to get to the crime scene, where they will all meet. Turns out this is Casper (who was mentioned earlier in the episode). Frank didn’t like Casper, so we know how this will all tie together now. The final scene panned out from the three officers all staring each other down. Highly dramatic.
And that’s just what this episode was. It’s all the dramatics. Long speeches and fancy words. But of course we still love it. This was very much like a setup episode. We got to know the basics of the characters and their roles and lives were all laid out for us. Now we’re ready for the good stuff!
Short Recap: Rachel McAdams, Taylor Kitsch and Colin Farrell are all cops who did not work together until now. None of them seem particularly good at their jobs. Vince Vaughan helps build things and gives presentations while his wife watches. They are all corrupt addicts.
But realistically, if you missed the episode it was a lot of this:
Whoever chose the font style for the opening credits need to immediately be fired from their job, although I guess it’s hard to fire an eighth grader.
The show opened with Spencer Strassmore (Johnson) having flashback dreams of football as he munches loudly on some pills.
Then we cut to another footballer driving his mistress who gets angry at him for not leaving his wife and they crash and he dies. This allows us to meet more characters at the funeral where they pick up ‘funeral hoes’ and decide to go clubbing. But not before the deceased’s widow tells Spencer to figure himself out. He eats more pills.
Spencer’s boss, Joe (Rob Corddry), wants him to “monetize his friends” so they can financially manage all the football players.
They all go to the club where they fuck girls and get into fights. They all lamely throw around “what a shame” sentiments at their friends death to remind us that it happened.
The death of their friend inspires the players to smarten up and get a new job (if they’re retired), or take their team more seriously so they don’t get traded.
I’m gonna need to give this show a few episodes. Right now it’s just plain boring. But there could be potential there. We’ll have to wait and see. Sorry, Dwayne!
The Brink opened up in Pakistan, at the US Embassy. This is where we meet Alex Talbot (Jack Black) and his driver Rafiq (Aasif Madvi). We quickly cut to Walter Larson (Tim Robbins) having kinky prostitute sex in Washington before being interrupted to go to work as Secretary of the United States (I think).
We flipped back and forth between warzones and the US. Pornstache (a la Orange Is the New Black) graces us with his presence as a womanizing soldier low on cash.
Where this show is going is a little bit confusing, and the only reason any women are in the show is strictly for sexual purposes (because of course). This show has even more work than Ballers to win me over. I honestly can’t even tell if it’s a drama or a comedy. When it ended I was left thinking “what did I just waste a half an hour of my life on?” Not a great start.
Tonight’s episode started with the Presidential election results coming in, to see if Selina will remain President of the United States.
Dan and Amy were talking heads for CNN about the election, until Amy decided to leave to be with Selina.
The whole episode focused on the back-and-forth between whether or not Selina was winning states.
Tom James told her that he didn’t want to only be Vice President but also the Secretary of the Treasury.
Meanwhile, Jonah’s sexual assault has actually set him on the path of getting men to care about their health and has turned him into a successful activist.
In the end the election ended up being a tie, and this race will continue next season as the House has to elect the President. If they tie (since there are 26 votes), the Vice President will be elected President. Meaning Tom James would be President.
This show is just always the best.
On tonight’s finale, the team was finally ready to find out whether or not they won the case against Hooli.
Meanwhile, the guy falling off the cliff in the last episode on their live stream was blowing up as the guy was trying to stay alive.
There was a real fire in the house. The guy got saved and then the signal was lost.
They ended up losing the company in the ruling, but it turns out that Richard didn’t have a valid employment with Hooli so they ACTUALLY won the case and Pied Piper continues to be theirs.
However he found out they won the case after telling the team to delete their entire platform. We ad a fun few minutes of Richard trying to get home before they delete it and with the guys doing dumb things before deleting the platform.
It came close but even though they tried to delete it they ended up not being able to. So everything actually worked out for the guys.
Rivega (Monica’s company) ended up removing Richard as CEO of his own company, meaning he is fired.
Game of Thrones finished its fifth season Sunday night.
Sam left Jon Snow so that he could do what he was truly meant to do, and bring his lady and baby with him. It’s almost like they think we care about what he’s up to or that he gets laid.
Continuing on escape mode, Sansa made her great escape after her hubby dearest went off to battle.
There was the now-requisite torture of girls under the age of ten, because this show was getting to be too watchable, I guess. Luckily Arya was there to murder the man torturing the girls by gouging his eyes out and slitting his throat while saying “I’m Arya Stark. Do you know who you are? You’re noone”. Get it girl.
There was then some weird-ass face shit happening in that temple Arya has holed up in and she suddenly went blind.
Jamie Lannnister finally got Marcella (his daughter/niece) from the place with all the palm trees and crazies onto a boat. Turns out she always knew she was Jamie’s baby and she’s real happy about it. But immediately after this revelation she got a nose bleed and died. Turns out when she kissed the woman who had been watching her goodbye she was poisoned.
Daenerys’s dragon turned against her and wouldn't bring her home after saving her in the last episode and a bunch of guys on horses came to take her.
Cersei had to confess to her sins, she admitted to some but not all of them. We also got to see a LOT of Cersei when she was washed and had her hair chopped off after being let go (all that beautiful hair!!). That was probably the most distressing part of the episode for me. And of course a woman would get shamed for having sex, but at least her body is literally flawless. For real though it was the worst walk of shame in history (literally someone walking behind her naked body yelling shame, I mean come on).
Jon Snow got stabbed hella lot (for the Watch supposedly). And that was our requisite main character death for the season. RIP Jon Snow.
Out on early release for good behaviour.
Netflix released the third season of Orange Is the New Black earlier than expected Thursday evening (as if we weren't all gonna stay up late and watch anyways, baby).
The season starts off fairly happy-go-lucky, with mother's day taking over Litchfield as kids come in and visit their mothers (that ends quickly when you then have to see them leave, I'm still recovering).
All of our favourite characters are back behind bars (except for Jason Biggs and Pornstache - although we do meet Pornstache's mother [Mary Steenburgen]).
Without giving too much away, the loose ends from season two are tied up fairly quickly, with some incoming drama by the end of the second episode.
Within the first few episodes we got our requisite cat fights, drug smuggling, steamy hide-away sex sessions and a bed bug outbreak. We also saw a book funeral that we can only hope every book that passes on gets.
You can stream the entire third season on Netflix now.