'The Bachelorette' Season Premiere Recap

After reminiscing about how terrible Ben was, we put him in the past and Jojo met with past Bachelorette’s to give her advice. And I was into their advice which was: “why wouldn’t you kiss someone on the first night?” YAS.

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Then we started to meet the men, the ones that got segments included: Grant, the firefighter; Jordan, the former NFLer (and lil bro to Aaron Rodgers); Alex, the marine (who has a married twin brother); James, who is apparently JUST a Bachelor Superfan (hey bud if we could get paid for this we would, duh); Evan, a former pastor-turned-erectile-dysfunction-specialist; Ali, a bartender and family failure; Christian, a telecom consultant; and Luke, war veteran and cowboy.

Now we should be fully prepared for Jojo to meet these guys.

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First of all, Jojo was goddamn FIRE tonight. She looked unreal.

The first guy she met was Jordan, who went for just a classic introduction, and let her know that his parents were engaged after only a few months of dating. So far, I really like him. He was easy going but not too pushy. First impression was great.

Then we had Derek, a commercial banker (who didn’t warrant his own segment so let’s not get too attached).

Then she met Grant, who promised he wouldn’t fall in love with two girls, which, like, I hope not buddy. Do you know what show you’re on? It’s not exactly an option here.

Then we had James F., a boxing club owner (no segment, no dice).

Robby, a former competitive swimmer. No segment, but he did bring wine that they drank out of the bottle. 

Alex was up next. He seemed nervous, but kept things simple. 

Next was Will, a civil engineer who had cards and full bit prepared. 

Chad, a luxury real estate agent (not some regular real estate agent), was creepy and way too serious for her.

Daniel, whose job is apparently just BEING CANADIAN. I can already tell he’s going to give us a bad name.

Then we had Ali, who just looked so genuinely excited to be there. 

Of course the guy named James Taylor was a singer-songwriter. 

Luckily there was another Canadian, a technical sales rep named Jonathan to pick up where Daniel left off, although I’m not sure he’s going to do us much better. He did show up in a kilt though so respect to that.

Not as much respect to the guy who showed up as Santa, though. This was supposedly Saint Nick. No other name given. Ugh. He strictly relied on the pun of using Jojojo instead of hohoho. 

Chase, a medical sales rep, wore sunglasses with a moustache attached just to make the most classic terrible moustache puns ever.

Jake, a landscape architect, Sal, operations manager, Coley, a real estate agent, and Brandon A HIPSTER, got pretty little screen time which doesn’t bode well for them. 

Then we had James, the superfan, and Nick S., a software consultant, Vinny, a barber, Peter, a staffing agency manager,  and Evan all quickly introduced. 

Wells, a DJ, brought an A Capella group to perform for her.​

Christian showed up on a unicorn and was confident and nice, so he won points there.

Then, following in her footsteps from last season, Luke rode in a ‘real unicorn’. This won a lot of points with her, and brought us to the end of the men.

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Every single guy seemed to talk about how nervous and tense they all were. All she wanted was ease and a connection. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?​

My front runner, Jordan, was the first one to be at ease and relaxed with her. Yas Jordan, don’t fuck this up. He even went back to get her first real kiss of the show, because he knew he missed his opportunity. Get it, bb.

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Chad is the creepiest dude in the group. He’s also clearly manipulative. He said offensive things in his confessional, and then acted very sweet to Jojo while clearly showing he’s not going to be the nicest dude. He’s going to be the Nick Viall of this season.

Daniel is terrible, but not as creepy as Chad. He’s just a conceited idiot, who likes to poke people in the belly button. He then decided it was time to get naked, and pose like he was crafting an Instagram picture. He was described as “white Canadian wasted” right before he jumped into the pool. ​

He wasn’t the only wasted one though, as a couple of the dudes drunkenly kept trying to crash her interviews. 

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Was nervous for a moment that Luke (a fellow Texan) was going to get the first impression rose, but she did the right thing and gave the rose to Jordan. I SO hope I’m right and Jordan goes all the way this season. ​

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Before we got to the rose ceremony (although they were all there and waiting), a special guest showed up. As has become Bachelor Nation tradition, a former Bachelor just had to crash the party. This time it was Jake Pavelka. Apparently he is a close family friend to Jojo’s family, and ‘like a brother’ to her. Basically it was an elaborate way for him to say he wants her to find love. A fucking text will suffice next time, buddy.

Then we, finally, got down to the nitty gritty, with Jojo picking the puppies she wants from the pound.

The men who got roses were: Jordan (obviously), Luke, Wells, James T., Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad (EW NO THANK YOU), Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Saint Nick (seriously WTF?), Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, and Daniel. Like, drunk off his ass, made a fool of himself, and was an asshole Daniel. Starting to worry about Jojo’s judgement here.​

The men sent home: Jake, Jonathan, Peter, Nick S., and possibly some other dudes we’ve already forgotten.

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Coming up this season: the men all yell “JOJO!” at various points. There are I Love Yous. And it looks like Jojo recognizes that Chad is a bad guy, but maybe won’t be able to stop herself. Everyone hates Jordan. Robby is potentially lying and has a girlfriend. And the men actually feel unsafe around Chad, and it looks like Chris has to take him aside, and there WILL be blood this season. ​

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