They had a date card to give out, and they ended up giving it to Jared and Caila, which naturally destroyed Ashley I. She LITERALLY may die if they do something in the fantasy suite.
Evan got a date card and obviously gave it to Carly (he didn’t even have to fake his death this time). They went to a temple where they pledged love (or like) to each other.
Ashley worked on breaking up Caila and Jared by letting Jared know that she’s not into him and that she's fake. Camila obviously confronted Ashley about this and we have to wait until next Monday to find out how that ends.
As every episode begins, Ashley was crying over Jared, and Jared laid it out for her that he was not interested. NOT. INTERESTED. Girl needs to get it through her tears.
Jared then went to talk to Caila about it, and the producers, being as heartless as they are, overlaid their sound with sounds of Ashley crying.
Evan finally manipulated Carly into liking him. Meanwhile Daniel’s rose was the only one up for grabs, so all the girls had to basically fight for it.
During the rose ceremony, Graham gave Lace his rose, Josh to Amanda, Vinny to Izzy, Nick to Jen, Evan to Carly, Jared to Caila, and finally Daniel decided to let Haley and Emily stay. So Ashley’s stay was short lived and Sarah had to go home as well.
Ashley of course wasn’t going to go out without a fight, and she asked the group if they’d be okay with her coming back with an actual open mind this time (instead of fixating on Jared). Of course the group (aka the producers) let her back.
The next day a guy named Carl showed up (apparently from Andi’s season). I guess this season is all about bringing in people who we have NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE.
FOLLOWING WITH THIS STUPID ASS TREND, a guy named Brett from Andi’s season, who brought a lamp to Andi, and to Paradise, apparently.
Carl went for Emily, and Brett asked Caila on a date. This obviously made Jared upset (now he knows how it feels). Caila wasn’t into the booze cruise they went on, but you’re on a show that’s literally entered around getting drunk in the sun, so what were you expecting?
Caila decided she’d rather be with Jared in the end, devastating Ashley once again.
Ryan from Katelyn’s season showed up YET ANOTHER THAT WE DO NOT KNOW PLEASE STOP THIS YOU HAVE AN ENDLESS RESERVE.
Ryan asked Haley on a date, and she was stoked to get away from Daniel for the day.
Grant has taken adorable to a new level by taking Lace for a massage, then he told her that he loves her.
Izzy decided that she was maybe more into Brett than Vinny (even though they’ve been one of the most solid couples since the beginning). So she let Vinny know how she was feeling and he was not impressed.
We will find out what happens to them tomorrow.
Amanda is, of course, the sweetest, so she went to the tree house with him where he told her that he came there for her. Me to Evan watching this:
Evan is the MOST self righteous dude there. He truly thinks he should get anyone he decides he wants.
Anyways, Amanda obviously wasn’t into it, which just made her feel super bad and that isn’t fair because Evan obviously knew she would be like that.
Sidebar: pizza is to Josh what lunch meat was to Chad.
Evan once again pulled Amanda aside before the rose ceremony to tell her that he thinks Josh is emotionally abusive. Which is an emotionally abusive thing to do to someone because it’s entirely self serving.
Everyone else jumped on this bandwagon out of nowhere to say screw Josh, with Nick being the only one to say, “I don’t know if it’s true or false, but be aware and ask the right questions”. Once again, Nick being the good guy. Where is this niceness coming from?!
Then we had the rose ceremony. Lace gave hers to Grant, Izzy gave hers to Vinny, Emily gave hers to Jared, Amanda gave hers to Josh, Sarah gave hers to Daniel, Carly gave hers to Evan (gross), Hayley gave hers to Nick. This sent home Christian and Brandon.
Also: Evan called the girls his little sisters that he had to protect. Literally fuck this guy (except don’t fuck him, ladies). He also said “Carly may have closed the door on me, but she forgot to lock it” SERIOUSLY DUDE:
After the rose ceremony, Caila (our almost Bachelorette) showed up and asked Jared out on a date. They went horseback riding at sunset, as you do. (Jared broke up with Emily when he got back from the date).
Izzy and Lace got the first double date in Paradise history and obviously they brought Vinny and Grant. They went to a foam party, and a girl tossed water on them, which angered Lace, but Grant got her out of there.
While they were on their date, the rest had dates at home. Afterwards, Evan passed out and wouldn’t wake up, so producers called medical. By the time Carly came down he was awake and fine. Then he took that chance to hit on Carly. It was all very, VERY odd.
While Jared was having a blast with his new gf Carly, Ashley showed up (again). We’ll see how that turns out tomorrow night.
All the girls immediately commented on how she looks so different from her season (Ben’s season), because of a hella lot of plastic surgery.
She ended up asking Nick out on a date, which upset Amanda, of course, because she is into him. Also can we talk about Leah’s taste in men. I think Nick is getting better, but still she picked two of the villains from the shows.
Immediately after getting back from his date, Nick received a date card, and he got to choose. This time he chose Amanda, which then pissed of Leah. And the circle of life continues.
Carly and Evan had a bit of a connection, but I don’t think he’s man enough for her. He loved the kiss and she was not a fan. Her exact words “I don’t know how this man has two kids”.
Meanwhile, Grant and Lace ‘connected’ on the beach, then the bedroom (where they unsuccessfully covered the camera).
But most of the girls were scrambling leading up to the rose ceremony.
Vinny ended up kissing both Izzy and Sarah before the ceremony, so that’s awkward af.
Leah pulled Nick aside, and I gotta say, I respect that he flat out was like listen, I connect to Amanda more than you. He’s being honest and that’s what we need boy.
Daniel was the one that had the most power for this ceremony, which was the most obnoxious thing to happen. He is truly the worst and making a disgrace of our country.
In the end, Grant gave his rose to Lace, Nick gave his to Amanda, Evan gave his to Carly, Jared gave his to Emily (and therefore also Haley), Vinny gave his to Izzy, while douchebag Daniel gave his to Sarah.
This sent home Leah (hope you enjoyed your day there) and Jubilee (no! my girl!).
After the rose ceremony, Josh, fresh off his sting of ‘Famously Single’ and Andi Doorman’s ex-fiance, showed up to camp. How I feel about this guy.
He had a date card off the bat and asked Amanda out (keep in mind Nick was also on Andi’s season, like, she picked Josh over Nick).
Side note: every time one of the girls leaves she tells the other girls that she loves them. I think that’s really adorable, but also why?
Evan and Carly went on a date, but she had already decided she didn’t like him, so it was awkward.
They had to do the longest hot pepper kiss and beat a world record. It was basic torture for Carly.
Jared and Emily finally kissed after she practically jumped him.
When Josh and Amanda came back from the date and were all over each other, which he was just doing truly to piss Nick off. Also he makes really awful noises while making out that makes me very uncomfortable.
Daniel the Canadian (WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE THIS) made the worst impression right off the bat, by saying the three girls that were there already he “wouldn’t touch”. The blonde one if he’d had a few drinks in him. They’re bruised fruit, you know?
But the twins showed up and Daniel immediately brightened.
Most unknown goes to: Izzy. WHO is she? WHERE did she come from? WHY is she here? WILL these questions ever be answered? One of them will, and that’s that she supposedly comes from Ben’s season. She must have been eliminated on the first night, because people there FROM HER SEASON didn’t know who she was.
For the first week, the guys have the power. It was also established that if you choose one twin, both stay.
Jubilee got the first date card and chose Jared.
Chad and Lace got it on in the hot tube pretty much immediately, and just as quickly things fizzled out between them, after much shouting and hitting.
Chad continued to get aggressive with everyone else, so he had pretty much only made enemies after night one.
So much so that Chris Harrison was called in to handle the situation, where he said the line “everyone came here for Paradise but you’ve made it hell”. Honestly Chris H laid down the law like he’s never done before and sent Chad home. HE HAS HAD IT.
But of course Chad put up a fight and didn’t go easy. But eventually he was gone and we won’t miss you, boy.
Spoilers ahead, OBVIOUSLY.
Jojo is ready to make the most difficult decision of her life. Or she isn’t ready. When she’s with Robbie she thinks of Jordan, and when she’s with Jordan she thinks of Robbie. Maybe because they look the exact same?
Tonight the interchangeable’s got to meet Jojo’s parents, and ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage. I’m sure they thought they were just meeting the same guy twice and were like “please don’t make us go through this again, just marry her already”.
Only prob was that Jordan did not ask for their hand (but Robbie did). As if that will stop her obsessing over Jordan ever.
Jordan brought her parents hats. HILARIOUS hats. Like a pink straw hat and a cowboy hat. Hysterical. Where does he come up with fresh material all the time?
Jojo’s mom let Robbie know that she is SUPER over Jojo’s whole broken heart thing, and is pretty sick of hearing about it at the dinner table.
In their last moments together on their final date, Robbie gave Jojo pictures of each other, so she can frame them if they get married or burn them if she chooses someone else.
For his gift, Jordan gave Jojo extreme doubt.
Jordan DID call her parents and ended up asking for their permission to ask marry her. Side note: Jojo’s dad’s name is Joe. So there’s that to sit on.
So going into the final rose ceremony, Joji Berry was clearly feeling more confident in Robbie and less confident in Jordan to propose and not totally fuck her over.
But Jordan wrote her a letter to let her know that he would always be there for her as he lint rolled his suit jacket while shirtless.
In the end I KNEW IT and guessed correctly that her obsession with Jordan was too deep to turn back now. (For real though I think this is the first time my pick from night one has actually won).
Cruellest line uttered by Jojo to Robbie: “I know you’ll love me until the day that you die”. Like girl calm down you’ve known each other three months and he’ll be the next Bachelor or some shit.
I do respect Jordan for using her full name, because I like that in a proposal. They did both seem genuinely happy, too. So we can let them be happy for a few minutes (before it inevitably goes down in flames).
Tonight we’re back at the airplane hangar, where Jojo is still crying because Luke said he loves her and now she’s torn about who to choose. Which really means she’s going by what she thinks she should do, and not with her gut. Bad choice Joji berry.
The roses ended up going to Jordan, Robby, and Chase. So she DID do what she originally planned, which means the overdramatics were truly for nothing. It’s okay though, we got another 10 minutes of a very weird goodbye, where Jojo just cried over and over and Luke looked off into the distance like a lost puppy.
But finally they put us out of our misery and we got to see them all in Thailand for the fantasy suites. First up there was Robby, and they of course went to the fantasy suite but other than that it was yet another snooze fest.
Next up was Jordan, with another predictably boring date. Honestly, just one of these is fine and we can just interchange all the guys as necessary. But yada yada they went to the fantasy suite (which we know that this is all Jojo is gonna want from Jordan in the end, and you do you girl).
Finally we had Chase, and the date was super interesting and fun to watch! Just kiddddddding it was yet another snoozefest.
Robby showed up at Jojo’s place to creepily tell her how much he loves her, before she had her fantasy suite dinner date with Chase. She let us know that Chase is the only one she’s not in love with yet, so things aren’t looking good for him.
This was even more apparent when she decided she couldn’t even go through with the fantasy suite part of the date with him and ended up dumping him right there in the hotel room.
Which was even more unfair because she went on about how all she wanted was for him to say he loves her, but only realized once he did that she didn't feel the way she should have. Brutally unfair, but she Taylor Swift-ed herself by playing the victim yet again.
One thing we for sure learned: Thailand is hella hot. It’s one of the only things they actually talked about on each and every date.
The most drama in the past few episodes came when Chase showed up at the rose ceremony, just as Jojo was explaining to the other two how she had sent him home the night before. But don’t worry, the monotony was brought back when it was all just to end things on a good note. BORING. (Although a monkey followed him out so I guess that was worth it).
So Jordan and Robby are heading to the end. But before that, we get The Men Tell All tomorrow night, which I won’t be blogging because honestly I don’t think I can. #struggleisreal
Okay, let’s pretend we care about literally anything but Kimye/Taylor right now. (We don't, hence only Kim K gifs throughout).
We’ve made it. Hometown dates are upon us, which means we get to see more of middle America than we ever want to.
First stop was Chase’s family in Colorado. Sorry - his ‘broken home’ (aka his parents divorced when he was 8.)
Because of this they spent the day with his dad and the night with his mom. It was all excruciatingly boring.
Next up was Chico, California where the Rodgers live. Although we know from previews that there’s drama between Jordan and Aaron.
Jordan took her to his high school, because of COURSE he’s the guy still stuck in high school and never wanted to leave.
This hometown visit was the epitome of sad white man. A quote from his brother: “nothing’s been handed to Jordan, nothing in his life has been easy”, which is an HILARIOUS JOKE. Good job at comedy, bro.
Jojo is still worried that Jordan is just telling her what she wants to hear. Which, who even knows at this point.
Next was St. Augustine, Florida, with Robby. The drama with this one is that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend very conveniently timed to the taping of the show. Honestly I don’t like him so I believe that.
Finally we visited Texas to hang out with Luke.
That date was literally so boring I stopped watching and instead trolled MY OWN INSTAGRAM FEED. Looking through my own photos was more interesting than watching these two boring people say the exact same things we’ve seen the first hour and a half of the show.
Apparently they didn’t time the production schedule tight enough, so the rose ceremony took place on a airplane hangar.
Before the ceremony started, Jojo said she was ready to send Luke home, but then he pulled her aside to tell her that he loves her. Because those twenty fucking minutes we had to sit watching them just spitting BS to each other wasn’t time to tell her.
BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT BECAUSE LUKE TOOK UP TO MUCH TIME, ADD IN HER CRYING FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND BOOM. Next week we have to find out who she chose. Next Tuesday we also get the Men Tell All.
But honestly, let’s just get back to the Taylor vs Kimye drama.
We’re baaaaack! And we’re booorrrring!
First thing’s first. One-on-one roses are no longer, but group date roses are still a thing. Next up is hometown dates, so anyone who gets a rose tonight is introducing Jojo to their family.
The first date of the episode went to Alex. He’s the only one who hasn’t had a one-on-one with her, so it makes sense, even though it was basically just to drive for forever. Then they did something where they made horses lay down while Alex dressed offensively? Basically classic Bachelor date.
He eventually told her that he was falling in love with her and she was like uh oh, not same boo, and dumped him (even though she didn’t have to). He was a dick about it. Whatever.
The rest of the guys had to hop on a bus, where they were apparently forced to play improv games. (Don’t worry, Alex also improvised a rap on in his car as well).
Second date went to our boy Jordy-poo. They made their own really really gross wine and he told her he loved her, which went better for him than it did for Alex.
Chase, James, and Robby got the group date. Leaving Luke with the last one-on-one.
The group date was filled with truth and dare and all the guys thinking they were sure they were a frontrunner. But the guy who got the rose was Robby.
Luke and her rode horses. It was a big episodes for them horsies.
No cocktail party tonight because girl has her mind made up. Luke, Jordan and Chase, sending sad James Taylor home. Don’t matter how many french fries you can fit in your mouth if she don’t love you bud.
Tonight the troupe was in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Right off the bat, Chris announced that there would be yet another two-on-one, just two weeks after the last one (and usually there aren’t more than one per season).
The first date card was for Wells, who I didn’t even know what he looked like. He is also the only one who hasn’t kissed her yet.
They went to a performance art exhibit, where they got to participate and he finally landed one on her. But at dinner Wells opened up about his ex girlfriend and how they were more friends than anything. So she did not give Wells the rose. Because Jojo also felt like they were just friends.
Wells probably feels like he wasted that kiss, meanwhile Jojo being fucking savage just went back to the performance piece and watched a SHOW and laughed in the middle of a rainy dance party. JOJO GIRL. SAVAGE.
Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James and Alex got the group date, leaving Chase and Derek (also known as Who? and WHO?) for the two-on-one.
On the group date James Taylor spent the whole time feeling bad for himself because he thinks she likes the other guys better. His way to fix this was to throw Jordan under the bus, because Jordan changed the rules of a card game. Basically his whole story was “He’s Jordan Rogers so he can do what he wants”. And guess what bud, he kind of can. Breaking news: one white boy thinks another white boy is entitled.
Jojo brought it up to Jordan, but the way Jordan explained it honestly sounded like the stupidest possible thing James could have brought up.
Joke’s on those boys because Jojo just gave the rose to the guy she made out with (Luke). Stop wasting time complaining and get to macking.
I basically just had the two-on-one playing while I looked at the Keg menu to get myself ready for dinner tomorrow night, so I can’t tell you what happened exactly, but I can tell you it was a major yawn fest (shocker). She gave Chase (aka who?!) the rose, sending Derek (aka WHO?!) home.
They spent about as much time as the date took place following Derek crying in the back of a limo while a beautiful singer sang ‘Don’t Cry for Me Argentina’ and Chase and Jojo danced. This show is the most ridiculous.
The men who got roses were Robbie and Jordan. Before she gave away the final rose she decided it was a good time to take a walk because she felt sick and didn’t want to give the last rose. So she didn’t, she gave out two. (UGHHHH). I can’t with this show any more.
Anyways, see you next week.
Reality TV Recaps
Check in over here every week for Bachelor(ette) (in Paradise) and Survivor recaps!