We open back on the COVID-free compound. Clare is still in love with Dale. The boys are excited to socialize (must be nice).
The first date is a group date, which includes a bunch of guys who are going to be overshadowed by Dale, who Clare picked because she couldn’t wait to see him again.
The men showed their love language to Clare, and they all professed their love. Which is all clearly very genuine after knowing someone for two days.
Then the date boys came running past the pool boys to grab things for a gift to Clare, in a part that was not really fully explained. This date almost hurt to watch it was so cringe-y and awkward. I think that all the dates will be this way because they are trapped in their compound, so there’s only so much they can do. Next love language was physical touch. Which feels truly cruel to brag about right now. Clare complaining that quarantine was too long… as if we aren’t all doing that and CURRENTLY in it. During the afterparty part of the date, nobody seemed to want to talk with her one-on-one until Bennett stepped up to the plate. Clare was so pissed she left poor Bennett and went and gave the guys shit for not manning up.
They (almost) all apologized, until Yosef said that she was ‘crazy’ for thinking they weren’t here for her. He said he was speaking for the group and that did not go over well.
Luckily Dale swept her away (seriously, poor Bennett!!) She managed to talk to more of the guys, eventually, and realized there were other men there. Riley got the rose for the date, although Dale thought he was going to get it, of course.
Then Jason got the first one-on-one date, where they opened up to each other by a fire pit. Unsure where on #COVIDcompound this is.
This date was basically a therapy session for each of them. Yelling, breaking things. Letter writing. Sure. Honestly he seems very sweet. I don’t think they’re meant for each other but I hope he finds love. Then we got to the second group date, where they played dodgeball. Kenny (boy band manager), was ecstatic about this. Clare of course had to up the ante, so it turned into strip dodgeball. Last team standing would get one-on-one time with her. They got down to their skivvies, and then some.
The losing team had to go back in their little jockstrap things. Most of the guys handled it pretty well, but Blake was upset about losing, and he wasn’t going to take it. So he crashed the date to get more time with her. Which is a classic dick move. I’m glad the guy he interrupted stood up a little bit to him, until it was clear he wasn’t leaving.
The rest of the men weren’t putting up with it and came to confront him. I am personally no longer team Blake. That’s not cool and not “ballsy”, it’s just obnoxious, rude, and classic toxic masculinity at play. Whatever producer put him up to it was really trying to start something.
Not that the date got much better after Blake left. The next guy on the docket, Brad, just said he liked her looks, but came on the show for her. Despite knowing nothing about her. Woof. She actually sent him packing mid-date. Which is pretty rare. A full breakup, mid-group date. YIKES.
Chayson? There’s someone named that? Got the date rose after some heavy smooching. Back at the house the next day, Yosef went on to say he wouldn’t respect Clare if she had made him strip during dodgeball. He thought it was “classless”. Has he ever seen an episode of this show? Does he truly not understand what he’s signed up for?
At the rose ceremony, Clare pulled Blake aside and GAVE HIM A ROSE because she thought it was great that he keeps breaking the rules. No girl.
He then had to walk back into the party, for an extremely awkward moment with the rest of the men. While Dale swept Clare away again, of course, for some very hot and heavy private time. We won’t get the actual rose ceremony until next week, where it looks like the men are getting angry, yet again. Every part of this episode was cringey and hard to watch. (If they bring up how difficult their quarantine was one more time, so help me.) You’re welcome for watching it for you.
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Well Bach-heads, we are in for *cue music* the most dramatic season ever.
But actually are we?! First off we’re in for a different season because of COVID-19. Chris Harrison addressed this off the top. “A lot of work, a lot of patience, and a lot of testing.” So more than the White House has done. Secondly, they are not only not at the regular mansion - they’re not even in LA.
We flashed back to ‘regular’ times (aka February of 2020), when they have video footage of asking Clare Crawley to be the Bachelorette. She obviously knew this was coming since there was someone there filming her conversation.
We see some of her journey here, aka we are forced to endure more Juan Pablo. You may remember she went to Paradise two times. But will this be the one that works for her? Oh, have we mentioned yet that she’s 39? Because the show sure has!
Then cue some dramatic shots of her quarantining at home. (I did shed a tear over her talking about how tough it’s been with not being able to see her mom, who is in a care facility due to Alzheimers.)
But fear not! Chris Harrison is to the rescue to cure COVID - or at least loneliness. They are going ahead with filming; after testing Clare, and everyone, and staying in Palm Springs, in a...commune?
Then the men were ridiculously whiny about getting COVID tests outside of their personal villas in sunny California. Very tough. Very rough.
We also got to see them all quarantining… which was basically a lot of bed jumping. Just what we tune into escapist TV for.
On the night she’s to meet the men, her and Chris sit down and have a heart to heart, discussing her journey and more about how she’s still trying, even at 39, to find love.
Then we got the man parade - the usual antics (a man in a straight jacket, someone driving a station wagon - so suburban! - a man in a literal bubble), and Clare pretending to think every guy is so clever and funny.
As was obvious from the music change, Dale, former pro-athlete, stole the show in Clare’s eyes. “I knew it. I think I just met my husband.” She seemed truly floored. Feeling things she’s never felt, ever. Chris Harrison said it’s the first time he’s seen anyone so sure. He even seemed a little uncomfortable enough to say “you do know there’s more coming?”
Highlight of the episode: Honey, Clare’s dog, crashing the cocktail party. Eventually, out came the first impression rose. The man in the straight jacket was still in the straight jacket, despite having been at the party now for presumably a long time. Was he drinking? Was he just sitting there like that with everyone? You have to give up the, not-great-to-begin-with, gag at some point. Tyler supposedly knew that Yosef was doing stuff all over Instagram, and talking to girls Tyler knew. And he was not going to put up with it. He said something directly to Yosef, who denied it. “I have no idea what mini-McConaughey was saying.” Yosef then went and told Clare what Tyler is doing. So she pulls Tyler aside, and another guy quips “I hope that’s about the fight and not the first impression rose.”
Of course in front of Clare, Yosef kept pledging his innocence, while the rest of the men, understandably, complained inside about how this was taking away from their potential time with Clare.
For her part, Clare just let them continue to hash it out, as she went to go talk to more of the men. She pulled Blake aside and part-reprimanded him, part-applauded him for being the only one who broke the rule of no contact pre-show during quarantine. She very much appreciated him doing so, and he was awarded with the first kiss (and the producers made it seem like the first impression rose, but no dice). That had to go to Dale. Her future husband. Love of her life.
Finally we got to the rose ceremony - at this point it barely really matters who is in and out, because if we haven’t gotten to know the guy in this episode, and he’s eliminated, well, we were never really meant to know them. Thanks for quarantining. Back to isolation at home you go.
(It really does suck for these guys though, they’ve had to put their life on hold longer than they normally would have, but such is love in the time of COVID). But at least they got to hug somebody! It was FULL daylight out when the rose ceremony was over, which means this was a LONG night. Somebody get that man out of his straight jacket! Has he peed?! Is he ok?! For what it’s worth - I think I’m team Blake. He’s so cute! I also do not trust Yosef. Or Tyler (but he’s gone, so bye).
And thus concludes the first episode of the most dramatic season ever.
This season seems like a LOT of drama is on the way, and is almost guaranteed to be a perfect distraction from this dystopian world we’re living in. Check back next week for a new recap, with more wine and gifs. 
Spoilers ahead, OBVIOUSLY.
Jojo is ready to make the most difficult decision of her life. Or she isn’t ready. When she’s with Robbie she thinks of Jordan, and when she’s with Jordan she thinks of Robbie. Maybe because they look the exact same?
Tonight the interchangeable’s got to meet Jojo’s parents, and ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage. I’m sure they thought they were just meeting the same guy twice and were like “please don’t make us go through this again, just marry her already”.
Only prob was that Jordan did not ask for their hand (but Robbie did). As if that will stop her obsessing over Jordan ever. Jordan brought her parents hats. HILARIOUS hats. Like a pink straw hat and a cowboy hat. Hysterical. Where does he come up with fresh material all the time?
Jojo’s mom let Robbie know that she is SUPER over Jojo’s whole broken heart thing, and is pretty sick of hearing about it at the dinner table.
In their last moments together on their final date, Robbie gave Jojo pictures of each other, so she can frame them if they get married or burn them if she chooses someone else. For his gift, Jordan gave Jojo extreme doubt. Jordan DID call her parents and ended up asking for their permission to ask marry her. Side note: Jojo’s dad’s name is Joe. So there’s that to sit on.
So going into the final rose ceremony, Joji Berry was clearly feeling more confident in Robbie and less confident in Jordan to propose and not totally fuck her over.
But Jordan wrote her a letter to let her know that he would always be there for her as he lint rolled his suit jacket while shirtless. In the end I KNEW IT and guessed correctly that her obsession with Jordan was too deep to turn back now. (For real though I think this is the first time my pick from night one has actually won). Cruellest line uttered by Jojo to Robbie: “I know you’ll love me until the day that you die”. Like girl calm down you’ve known each other three months and he’ll be the next Bachelor or some shit.
I do respect Jordan for using her full name, because I like that in a proposal. They did both seem genuinely happy, too. So we can let them be happy for a few minutes (before it inevitably goes down in flames).
Tonight we’re back at the airplane hangar, where Jojo is still crying because Luke said he loves her and now she’s torn about who to choose. Which really means she’s going by what she thinks she should do, and not with her gut. Bad choice Joji berry.
The roses ended up going to Jordan, Robby, and Chase. So she DID do what she originally planned, which means the overdramatics were truly for nothing. It’s okay though, we got another 10 minutes of a very weird goodbye, where Jojo just cried over and over and Luke looked off into the distance like a lost puppy.
But finally they put us out of our misery and we got to see them all in Thailand for the fantasy suites. First up there was Robby, and they of course went to the fantasy suite but other than that it was yet another snooze fest.
Next up was Jordan, with another predictably boring date. Honestly, just one of these is fine and we can just interchange all the guys as necessary. But yada yada they went to the fantasy suite (which we know that this is all Jojo is gonna want from Jordan in the end, and you do you girl).
Finally we had Chase, and the date was super interesting and fun to watch! Just kiddddddding it was yet another snoozefest.
Robby showed up at Jojo’s place to creepily tell her how much he loves her, before she had her fantasy suite dinner date with Chase. She let us know that Chase is the only one she’s not in love with yet, so things aren’t looking good for him.
This was even more apparent when she decided she couldn’t even go through with the fantasy suite part of the date with him and ended up dumping him right there in the hotel room. Which was even more unfair because she went on about how all she wanted was for him to say he loves her, but only realized once he did that she didn't feel the way she should have. Brutally unfair, but she Taylor Swift-ed herself by playing the victim yet again. One thing we for sure learned: Thailand is hella hot. It’s one of the only things they actually talked about on each and every date.
The most drama in the past few episodes came when Chase showed up at the rose ceremony, just as Jojo was explaining to the other two how she had sent him home the night before. But don’t worry, the monotony was brought back when it was all just to end things on a good note. BORING. (Although a monkey followed him out so I guess that was worth it).
So Jordan and Robby are heading to the end. But before that, we get The Men Tell All tomorrow night, which I won’t be blogging because honestly I don’t think I can. #struggleisreal 
Okay, let’s pretend we care about literally anything but Kimye/Taylor right now. (We don't, hence only Kim K gifs throughout).
We’ve made it. Hometown dates are upon us, which means we get to see more of middle America than we ever want to. First stop was Chase’s family in Colorado. Sorry - his ‘broken home’ (aka his parents divorced when he was 8.) Because of this they spent the day with his dad and the night with his mom. It was all excruciatingly boring.
Next up was Chico, California where the Rodgers live. Although we know from previews that there’s drama between Jordan and Aaron.
Jordan took her to his high school, because of COURSE he’s the guy still stuck in high school and never wanted to leave. This hometown visit was the epitome of sad white man. A quote from his brother: “nothing’s been handed to Jordan, nothing in his life has been easy”, which is an HILARIOUS JOKE. Good job at comedy, bro.
Jojo is still worried that Jordan is just telling her what she wants to hear. Which, who even knows at this point.
Next was St. Augustine, Florida, with Robby. The drama with this one is that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend very conveniently timed to the taping of the show. Honestly I don’t like him so I believe that.
Finally we visited Texas to hang out with Luke.
That date was literally so boring I stopped watching and instead trolled MY OWN INSTAGRAM FEED. Looking through my own photos was more interesting than watching these two boring people say the exact same things we’ve seen the first hour and a half of the show. Apparently they didn’t time the production schedule tight enough, so the rose ceremony took place on a airplane hangar. Before the ceremony started, Jojo said she was ready to send Luke home, but then he pulled her aside to tell her that he loves her. Because those twenty fucking minutes we had to sit watching them just spitting BS to each other wasn’t time to tell her. BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT BECAUSE LUKE TOOK UP TO MUCH TIME, ADD IN HER CRYING FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND BOOM. Next week we have to find out who she chose. Next Tuesday we also get the Men Tell All. But honestly, let’s just get back to the Taylor vs Kimye drama. 
We’re baaaaack! And we’re booorrrring!
First thing’s first. One-on-one roses are no longer, but group date roses are still a thing. Next up is hometown dates, so anyone who gets a rose tonight is introducing Jojo to their family. The first date of the episode went to Alex. He’s the only one who hasn’t had a one-on-one with her, so it makes sense, even though it was basically just to drive for forever. Then they did something where they made horses lay down while Alex dressed offensively? Basically classic Bachelor date. He eventually told her that he was falling in love with her and she was like uh oh, not same boo, and dumped him (even though she didn’t have to). He was a dick about it. Whatever.
The rest of the guys had to hop on a bus, where they were apparently forced to play improv games. (Don’t worry, Alex also improvised a rap on in his car as well).
Second date went to our boy Jordy-poo. They made their own really really gross wine and he told her he loved her, which went better for him than it did for Alex. Chase, James, and Robby got the group date. Leaving Luke with the last one-on-one. The group date was filled with truth and dare and all the guys thinking they were sure they were a frontrunner. But the guy who got the rose was Robby. Luke and her rode horses. It was a big episodes for them horsies.
No cocktail party tonight because girl has her mind made up. Luke, Jordan and Chase, sending sad James Taylor home. Don’t matter how many french fries you can fit in your mouth if she don’t love you bud.
Tonight the troupe was in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Right off the bat, Chris announced that there would be yet another two-on-one, just two weeks after the last one (and usually there aren’t more than one per season). The first date card was for Wells, who I didn’t even know what he looked like. He is also the only one who hasn’t kissed her yet. They went to a performance art exhibit, where they got to participate and he finally landed one on her. But at dinner Wells opened up about his ex girlfriend and how they were more friends than anything. So she did not give Wells the rose. Because Jojo also felt like they were just friends. Wells probably feels like he wasted that kiss, meanwhile Jojo being fucking savage just went back to the performance piece and watched a SHOW and laughed in the middle of a rainy dance party. JOJO GIRL. SAVAGE.
Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James and Alex got the group date, leaving Chase and Derek (also known as Who? and WHO?) for the two-on-one.
On the group date James Taylor spent the whole time feeling bad for himself because he thinks she likes the other guys better. His way to fix this was to throw Jordan under the bus, because Jordan changed the rules of a card game. Basically his whole story was “He’s Jordan Rogers so he can do what he wants”. And guess what bud, he kind of can. Breaking news: one white boy thinks another white boy is entitled.
Jojo brought it up to Jordan, but the way Jordan explained it honestly sounded like the stupidest possible thing James could have brought up.
Joke’s on those boys because Jojo just gave the rose to the guy she made out with (Luke). Stop wasting time complaining and get to macking.
I basically just had the two-on-one playing while I looked at the Keg menu to get myself ready for dinner tomorrow night, so I can’t tell you what happened exactly, but I can tell you it was a major yawn fest (shocker). She gave Chase (aka who?!) the rose, sending Derek (aka WHO?!) home. They spent about as much time as the date took place following Derek crying in the back of a limo while a beautiful singer sang ‘Don’t Cry for Me Argentina’ and Chase and Jojo danced. This show is the most ridiculous. The men who got roses were Robbie and Jordan. Before she gave away the final rose she decided it was a good time to take a walk because she felt sick and didn’t want to give the last rose. So she didn’t, she gave out two. (UGHHHH). I can’t with this show any more.
Anyways, see you next week.
This episode started with Chad coming back into the house after talking to Chris Harrison, and he apologized to Evan and offered to give him $20 for a new shirt. Evan continued to be a dink who just kept trying to poke the bear, even though Chad did all he was asked to do.
Jojo then showed up for their pre-rose ceremony pool party. They were all having a blast, until Evan’s nose just started bleeding for no reason. But no drama unfolded from it, they all just joked that it was Chad. So everyone is happy.
Whenever Jojo took any of the guys aside they talked about Chad, even though she seems totally fine with Chad. Chad overheard Derek talking about him, so Chad tried to take him aside and confront him about it. It was a pretty mild confrontation, they both said their peace but still ended unhappy.
Honestly the negative energy is coming more from literally every other guy than it is from Chad. Anyways, then there was the rose ceremony, where Jojo gave roses to Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robbie, Wells, James F., Vinny, Daniel (seriously, what?), Alex, and Chad. This means Ali (NO!), Christian, and Nick. We’ll never forget you Ali.
After that they all packed their bags and headed to Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. Once there, the one-on-one date went to Luke. They got into a too-hot hottub. He got a rose after talking about his military service.
The group date went to Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robbie. Which means Chad and Alex were going to end up on a two-on-one. The group went to play football, where James Taylor injured himself and needed stitches. They kept the blood on him for good measure and to remind us of what kind of badass he is (you know, injuring yourself in a small football match). Evan also got another bloody nose. Ugh I am just over that dude. Jordan got the group date rose, after reassuring Jojo that he was falling for her. As per usual for the two-on-one date, they went to the middle of nowhere, presumably because whoever doesn’t get chosen on these is left to die. This was one of the most awkward dates ever. When Alex and Jojo went to talk privately, Alex ratted on Chad and told him how aggressive Chad can be. So Jojo confronted Chad, and told him that she gave him a second chance and that she’s disappointed in him. She went off to think by herself, where she thought about how maybe Chad is just dealing with his father’s death. Chad threw his rustic, camping coffee cup into the abyss. He then went to confront Alex, of course. Favourite insult: go drink some milk man. Jojo decided that Chad wasn’t the person for her, and gave the rose to Alex. Sending Chad on his way, into the forest, to try to find his way out. In the dark. Whistling. Where he did end up was back at the guys house, I guess to say his peaceful goodbyes. We’ll find out next week. 
Tonight was the first of a two parter, and we’ve been promised maximum drama. A security guard! Blood! So clearly a shitty security guard!
The episode started with the boys waking up to a disaster of a house, which they take as indicative to the disaster that is Chad. The first date card of the night went to Chase (if you’ve forgotten who Chase is, he’s the white dude with a bit of beard stubble).
Chase and Jojo went to a yoga studio, where they practiced some ‘intimate’ moves that led them to some smoochy smoochy.
The group date went to Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex and Chad. Chad’s first reaction to the date was that he didn’t want to go on a date with 12 other dudes because it was “too many”. Jordan called him out on this, saying “you do know what this is?” Because, duh. This also obviously infuriated the guys who didn’t get a date. Jordan then insinuated that Chad was stupid, and Chad retaliated that he was a failed football player. The rest of the guys were obviously on Jordan’s side there, and they just kept hurling really weird, pathetic insults at each other across the room, but in very casual ways.
For the date they went to see a show at a small theatre that talked about sex. And so the boys (because these are not men) had 45 minutes to get sex stories prepared for the audience.
Sidenote: my favourite tweet of the night was about this part of the show.
Evan took his time on stage to basically insinuate that Chad is using steroids. When he came back up to sit down, Chad ripped his shirt and pushed him a bit before going down onto the stage.
Chad decided not to tell a sex story and instead said it was about their future, and he went in to kiss her but she TURNED HER CHEEK. The absolute best burn he could have had.
Backstage Chad was clearly livid and tried to make things physical. But everyone stopped him, and his hands were bleeding because apparently he hit a door.
Later on in the night Evan kept instigating. Which, as much as I hate Chad, Evan was definitely trying to start something here and get a rise out of Chad. Evan also told Jojo that if Chad stays he will leave. Which is aggressive and manipulative in and of itself. I dislike Chad, but fuck Evan too, honestly. How dare you assume you have that kind of power.
Before giving anyone the rose, Jojo took Evan aside to tell him that she wanted to give him the rose, but that she also wanted to keep Chad.
While Jojo was talking about the day and picking Evan, Chad asked if this was really happening. Jojo told him that she didn’t want him to be disrespectful and that’s what he was doing. Back at the home the next day, Derek, his roommate, decided he felt unsafe in the house. So they got a security guard for the house. The other one-on-one date went to James Taylor himself. They went swing dancing. It was boring. MORE DRAMA PLZ. Daniel, who was buds with Chad at the beginning, told him that it’s getting hard to be friends with him. He then compared him to Hitler, Mussolini, Trump, and Bush, all within twenty seconds. Chad ate carrots.
Jojo, please stop talking about Ben. EVERYBODY KNOWS WE DON’T NEED MORE REFRESHERS.
James was called Luke Long Neck when he was 12. That is his sad story. That is why he is a self-proclaimed underdog. This is what our patriarchal society stems from, guys. These aren’t real problems. Don’t worry though, he sang all his troubles away, because god forbid he go anywhere without his guitar.
Jojo decided to have no cocktail party tonight, and to go straight to the rose ceremony at night. But she did decide she wanted an all day pool party.
After Chris gave this news to the guys, Evan followed Chris out to tell him about Chad and how he felt unsafe around him. So Chris stepped in, and asked to talk to Chad alone. He didn’t ask him to leave, but instead asked him to settle it with an approach that might be received well. Chad angrily stalked back into the house, talking about violence, and that’s where we leave off until tomorrow night, where it looks like more than one guy will be bleeding. 
Before we could actually start watching tonight we got a sneak preview that Chad was going to be a “super douche” tonight. And he started off by telling everyone to fuck themselves because he was going to make her his wife.
This week there is two group dates and a one-on-one date.
For the first group date it was Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Aly, James F., Wells, and Robby. To start the date off, a flaming limo pulled into the driveway, and then a firetruck with Jojo at the helm came to put the fire out. Cue one million references of Jojo being hot and and on fire and etc etc I hate everything. I really wish that bit would have ended like this. Then I would have been happy.
While the others were on the group date, Chad filled his suitcase with protein powder and supplements, tied it around his waist and did pull ups.
Meanwhile, the guys on the date had to compete in firefighter tasks to spend extra time with Jojo. Wells took the route of getting heat stroke to get a few extra minutes with her. The guy who won time with Jojo was Grant, but Wells got the rose in the end. Don’t reward the weak, Jojo! The second date card was for Derek, for the one-on-one date. You all remember Derek right? Right? His date was all about what choices he decided to make (sky, sea, north, south, etc). He apparently chose right because he got a rose. The last group date went to Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, Chad. This group date went to ESPN, which obviously everyone loved. They had to “strike the rose” and come up with their own touch down dances, then they had to propose after spinning around. Chad was NOT into these little games, and called Jojo “naggy”. James got the rose for this date. Before the rose ceremony even began, Chad was waiting outside for Jojo and took her on a walk, which was a great move, even though it pissed the rest of the guys off. The rest of the night Chad spent eating as much meat as humanely possible. It was hysterical.
Everyone else spent the rest of the night hating on Chad. Which, Chad isn’t a nice guy, but they all need to back off of this because it doesn’t look good, it never does.
Chad did show his true colours after Alex pushed him a little too far and Chad started threatening him. It didn’t have a chance to go too far though. The roses went to Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, and Chad. Sending home James, the Hipster and another dude we don’t remember. Until next week, we wish you a week of meat and perfect commentary and no songs about Jojo. |