A day late and a dollar short, or you know a day late and another man (or, like, 5) short. Now that This Is Us has returned to Tuesday nights, I have to prioritize my TV watching, so you can expect these a day behind going forward.
We opened on the cocktail party, pre-rose ceremony. And baby boy Yosef who is still unhappy about what happened on the date he was not on.
He confronted Clare about all the ‘red flags’ he had with her. As you may imagine, this didn’t go over great.
He went on to say it wasn’t what he expected from the oldest Bachelorette ever. And that he was ashamed to be associated with her because she was a bad example to his daughter. He really tore into her and you could see her just trying to contain herself and take this in before losing it.
She finally did lose it on him, telling him that she’d never want her children to have a father like him and she kicked his ass out.
As walking out he kept yelling about her age and the other guys tried to calm him down and not lose their shit.
She went off to the producers until her boy Dale came to save the day for her. This flipped her mood because she loOoOoves him.
Chris Harrison made an appearance to make sure she was okay and get her feelings.
Then we had the rose ceremony, where a few more guys were sent home. We’re still at the point in the season where you go “WHO is that?!” for most of the guys they don’t focus on, so we’re not onto the important rose ceremonies quite yet.
Then a former Bachelorette, (I don’t know who - I missed it because I was scrolling Instagram and I don’t know the franchise that well, clearly) came to give her support. I guess she quarantined, too? For two weeks? Before a cameo?
Of course Clare just talked about her love for Dale the whole time.
Then Clare somehow was four hours late to her day date (which was a group one), and instead they just got a cocktail party with her.
Dale asked to speak to Clare one-on-one first during the date. He did it in a respectful manner, but then that went out the window because they basically spent the whole night together, leaving the rest of the men just sitting around waiting for them to finish smooching in her room.
Everyone was pissed because then they all had to rush their alone time with her. Everyone seemed very on edge and aggressive for the rest of the date. Especially when Dale made another appearance and showed up for a second alone time with her. Yikes.
Dale got the rose on that date and then just dug himself in deeper with the men by trying to explain himself and doing a poor job of it.
The men. Are. Pissed.
Zach J got the one-on-one date, where they went for a spa day (in the compound, of course). And, of course, Clare wishes she was really there with Dale.
They had a super super awkward almost-kiss. Which would be one cringey thing. But then Clare tried to walk away and he kind of tried to pull her back, more than once, and do a do-over of the kiss, but it was very forced and uncomfortable and not ok. If she no longer wants to kiss, don’t kiss!
It upset Clare (understandably) enough, that she didn’t go to dinner and had Chris Harrison go to break up with him for her. And so Zach got sent home.
Back at the pool there was talk of Clare and Dale possibly being in communication prior to the show. Which, who knows if that’s true or not. Not sure if we’ll find that out.
Next up was another group date, and Margaret Cho was there to help the men write jokes for a roast. The rest of the men came to be the audience for the show.
Of course the men really tore into Dale, especially Bennett. Honestly all of their complaints about him seem to be not that bad?
Anyways, Clare was not pleased, naturally, that they hurt her boy. Although Dale took it well - back at the house he told Eazy that he deserved it and he was okay with it.
Meanwhile during the cocktail portion of the evening was still monopolized by Dale and Clare asking about their jokes about Dale. Literally every guy she talked to about him. That’s pretty rude and tough on those guys, I gotta say.
She ended up saying that she didn’t get what she needed from the men and didn’t give any of them a rose on that date. That led to talk of the men walking out. (But they didn’t - at least not on this episode. Probably because they are trapped there).
Next episode is where things will get wild… and we get a NEW Bachelorette?!
We open back on the COVID-free compound. Clare is still in love with Dale. The boys are excited to socialize (must be nice).
The first date is a group date, which includes a bunch of guys who are going to be overshadowed by Dale, who Clare picked because she couldn’t wait to see him again.
The men showed their love language to Clare, and they all professed their love. Which is all clearly very genuine after knowing someone for two days.
Then the date boys came running past the pool boys to grab things for a gift to Clare, in a part that was not really fully explained. This date almost hurt to watch it was so cringe-y and awkward. I think that all the dates will be this way because they are trapped in their compound, so there’s only so much they can do.
Next love language was physical touch. Which feels truly cruel to brag about right now. Clare complaining that quarantine was too long… as if we aren’t all doing that and CURRENTLY in it.
During the afterparty part of the date, nobody seemed to want to talk with her one-on-one until Bennett stepped up to the plate. Clare was so pissed she left poor Bennett and went and gave the guys shit for not manning up.
They (almost) all apologized, until Yosef said that she was ‘crazy’ for thinking they weren’t here for her. He said he was speaking for the group and that did not go over well.
Luckily Dale swept her away (seriously, poor Bennett!!) She managed to talk to more of the guys, eventually, and realized there were other men there. Riley got the rose for the date, although Dale thought he was going to get it, of course.
Then Jason got the first one-on-one date, where they opened up to each other by a fire pit. Unsure where on #COVIDcompound this is.
This date was basically a therapy session for each of them. Yelling, breaking things. Letter writing. Sure. Honestly he seems very sweet. I don’t think they’re meant for each other but I hope he finds love.
Then we got to the second group date, where they played dodgeball. Kenny (boy band manager), was ecstatic about this.
Clare of course had to up the ante, so it turned into strip dodgeball. Last team standing would get one-on-one time with her. They got down to their skivvies, and then some.
The losing team had to go back in their little jockstrap things. Most of the guys handled it pretty well, but Blake was upset about losing, and he wasn’t going to take it. So he crashed the date to get more time with her. Which is a classic dick move. I’m glad the guy he interrupted stood up a little bit to him, until it was clear he wasn’t leaving.
The rest of the men weren’t putting up with it and came to confront him. I am personally no longer team Blake. That’s not cool and not “ballsy”, it’s just obnoxious, rude, and classic toxic masculinity at play. Whatever producer put him up to it was really trying to start something.
Not that the date got much better after Blake left. The next guy on the docket, Brad, just said he liked her looks, but came on the show for her. Despite knowing nothing about her. Woof. She actually sent him packing mid-date. Which is pretty rare. A full breakup, mid-group date. YIKES.
Chayson? There’s someone named that? Got the date rose after some heavy smooching.
Back at the house the next day, Yosef went on to say he wouldn’t respect Clare if she had made him strip during dodgeball. He thought it was “classless”. Has he ever seen an episode of this show? Does he truly not understand what he’s signed up for?
At the rose ceremony, Clare pulled Blake aside and GAVE HIM A ROSE because she thought it was great that he keeps breaking the rules. No girl.
He then had to walk back into the party, for an extremely awkward moment with the rest of the men. While Dale swept Clare away again, of course, for some very hot and heavy private time.
We won’t get the actual rose ceremony until next week, where it looks like the men are getting angry, yet again.
Every part of this episode was cringey and hard to watch. (If they bring up how difficult their quarantine was one more time, so help me.)
You’re welcome for watching it for you.
Well Bach-heads, we are in for *cue music* the most dramatic season ever.
But actually are we?!
First off we’re in for a different season because of COVID-19. Chris Harrison addressed this off the top. “A lot of work, a lot of patience, and a lot of testing.”
So more than the White House has done.
Secondly, they are not only not at the regular mansion - they’re not even in LA.
We flashed back to ‘regular’ times (aka February of 2020), when they have video footage of asking Clare Crawley to be the Bachelorette. She obviously knew this was coming since there was someone there filming her conversation.
We see some of her journey here, aka we are forced to endure more Juan Pablo. You may remember she went to Paradise two times. But will this be the one that works for her?
Oh, have we mentioned yet that she’s 39? Because the show sure has!
Then cue some dramatic shots of her quarantining at home. (I did shed a tear over her talking about how tough it’s been with not being able to see her mom, who is in a care facility due to Alzheimers.)
But fear not! Chris Harrison is to the rescue to cure COVID - or at least loneliness. They are going ahead with filming; after testing Clare, and everyone, and staying in Palm Springs, in a...commune?
Then the men were ridiculously whiny about getting COVID tests outside of their personal villas in sunny California. Very tough. Very rough.
We also got to see them all quarantining… which was basically a lot of bed jumping. Just what we tune into escapist TV for.
On the night she’s to meet the men, her and Chris sit down and have a heart to heart, discussing her journey and more about how she’s still trying, even at 39, to find love.
Then we got the man parade - the usual antics (a man in a straight jacket, someone driving a station wagon - so suburban! - a man in a literal bubble), and Clare pretending to think every guy is so clever and funny.
As was obvious from the music change, Dale, former pro-athlete, stole the show in Clare’s eyes. “I knew it. I think I just met my husband.” She seemed truly floored. Feeling things she’s never felt, ever. Chris Harrison said it’s the first time he’s seen anyone so sure. He even seemed a little uncomfortable enough to say “you do know there’s more coming?”
Highlight of the episode: Honey, Clare’s dog, crashing the cocktail party.
Eventually, out came the first impression rose. The man in the straight jacket was still in the straight jacket, despite having been at the party now for presumably a long time. Was he drinking? Was he just sitting there like that with everyone? You have to give up the, not-great-to-begin-with, gag at some point.
Tyler supposedly knew that Yosef was doing stuff all over Instagram, and talking to girls Tyler knew. And he was not going to put up with it. He said something directly to Yosef, who denied it. “I have no idea what mini-McConaughey was saying.”
Yosef then went and told Clare what Tyler is doing. So she pulls Tyler aside, and another guy quips “I hope that’s about the fight and not the first impression rose.”
Of course in front of Clare, Yosef kept pledging his innocence, while the rest of the men, understandably, complained inside about how this was taking away from their potential time with Clare.
For her part, Clare just let them continue to hash it out, as she went to go talk to more of the men.
She pulled Blake aside and part-reprimanded him, part-applauded him for being the only one who broke the rule of no contact pre-show during quarantine. She very much appreciated him doing so, and he was awarded with the first kiss (and the producers made it seem like the first impression rose, but no dice).
That had to go to Dale. Her future husband. Love of her life.
Finally we got to the rose ceremony - at this point it barely really matters who is in and out, because if we haven’t gotten to know the guy in this episode, and he’s eliminated, well, we were never really meant to know them. Thanks for quarantining. Back to isolation at home you go.
(It really does suck for these guys though, they’ve had to put their life on hold longer than they normally would have, but such is love in the time of COVID). But at least they got to hug somebody!
It was FULL daylight out when the rose ceremony was over, which means this was a LONG night. Somebody get that man out of his straight jacket! Has he peed?! Is he ok?!
For what it’s worth - I think I’m team Blake. He’s so cute!
I also do not trust Yosef. Or Tyler (but he’s gone, so bye).
And thus concludes the first episode of the most dramatic season ever.
This season seems like a LOT of drama is on the way, and is almost guaranteed to be a perfect distraction from this dystopian world we’re living in.
Check back next week for a new recap, with more wine and gifs.
For the first challenge was for a food reward. The orange tribe (because as if I’m remembering any names) came from behind to win, with the new green tribe coming
Hannah hyperventilated and started spasming. It was a panic attack in the end, and she was fine, but you can tell that they’re taking health way more seriously this year, following last years insanity.
Figgy decided to tell everyone that her and Taylor were a ‘thing’, to which everyone reacted with “no shit sherlock”.
For the immunity challenge, the green team dominated once again, and orange team (who lost last week), won as well. Sending the purple tribe to tribal council.
They voted out Figgy, which was surprising, and broke up the millennial tribe a bit.
Let’s take a minute to talk about how badass Michaela is in this game. She is fully in it to win it.
The millennials made up for reward by winning the immunity challenge. Really interesting to watch the two different strategies for puzzle solving in this game.
Tribal was a lively one, with nobody trusting anybody else. Idiot David played his hidden immunity idol for Jessica (WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF). I mean, she needed it, she had the most votes, but still dude, you better hope your ass isn’t next.
The person that was voted out was Lucy in the end, sending everyone else into a tailspin.
Next week looks like a tribal switch, which will be super interesting at this point.
Over on the millennial tribe, Figgy and Taylor started smooching on each other and everyone found out.
Paul, the oldest Survivor there, suddenly went down while they were hanging around camp. They amped it up to seem like he possibly had a heart attack, but it was just heat exhaustion and dehydration.
For the immunity and reward (tarp) challenge, Gen X miraculously won after falling so far behind. It was pretty shocking, but I think millennials are the type that only need to be knocked down once, then they won't let it happen again.
This led to one of the more entertaining tribal councils, where there was a lot happening at once in tribal and a lot of feelings that were exposed.
In the end Mari was the second person voted out of this season, leaving Figgy and Taylor to continue their love affair.
The next day something happened that has NEVER happened in Survivor history. Jeff Probst came to each camp and EVACUATED the camps because the storm was going to be that serious. I mean, holy shit. They have never, ever evacuated a camp before.
The tribes came back on day three to their camps, which were completely destroyed.
Most of the episode is letting us get a sneak peek at people’s personalities (Millennials has a freaks and geeks situation happening, and Gen X has hottie mchotterson Ken - the new Joe - and the weak links being David and Rachel).
The first immunity challenge finally happened and millennials won (by taking only one shortcut, so stick that ‘millennials don’t work for anything’ in your pipe and smoke it).
This sent Gen X to tribal council. After some sporadic voting, Rachel was the first one voted out of this season, after being too abrasive and not helping with the challenge.
Lace and Grant were questioning their relationship. Absolutely crazy for two people who GOT TATTOOS just the day before.
All the men met with American hero Neil Lane to find their engagement ring and stand with picturesque backgrounds with it.
Evan spoke about how he never wanted to get married again until now. Which, as if. Please stop. Then Nick said he hoped it was the last time he’d meet with Neil Lane (Bachelor you seriously fucked this one up).
Evan and Carly were the first to go and they professed their love and got engaged. UGH GIRL HE TRICKED YOU AND THEN HE CRIED GET OUTTA THERE.
ALSO - his exact words were: “will you freaking marry me” - NOTE TO ANYONE PLANNING TO PROPOSE TO ME IF YOU SAY THIS I WILL NOT ONLY SAY NO BUT CASTRATE YOU IN THE PROCESS. xoxoxoxo.
Anyways, Lace and Grant were next, and they had one of the most real proclamations of love and then got engaged. They are the only couple I am actually rooting for and very happy for. Tattoo and all.
Then we had Nick and Jen and like spoiler he’s the next Bachelor so they can’t possibly last. She laid her feelings out and said I love you and he said that something was telling him to say goodbye.
Then we had Amanda and Josh, where Amanda proclaimed her love and Josh (shockingly) proposed to her. (Then talked about how great the ring he picked out was, barf).
But Nick scored himself a date card after Tiara (chicken girl) showed up and gave him her date card. They went to a carnival and had fun (surprising since carnivals are usually so unfun).
Meanwhile, Brett ended things with Izzy to be with Lauren. This sucks for Izzy because she had ended her relationship with Vinny to be with Brett. So she’s going to leave to try to salvage things with him.
She calls him from the car and can I say I am 99% sure her phone says his name is Vinny Vinnister. I hope I’m right on this and if I’m not please don’t tell me.
Also, girl you didn’t leave Paradise to try and work things out, you left because the other guy dumped you.
Anyways, Vinnister said no thanks you are shallow and dumb, ands he had to get the car to pull over so she could maybe vomit but for sure break down on the side of a Mexican highway.
Shushanna got mad during the lead put to he ceremony and just basically ran away, which worked exactly how she wanted because Wells came after her. But she still ended up going home because she knew she was going to go home.
For the rose ceremony, Josh gave his rose to Amanda, Nick to Jen, Evan to Carly, Grant to Lace, while Brett left, leaving Lauren in the cold as well (this is after dumping Izzy, keep in mind). Then Wells, who was the most up for grabs gave his rose to Ashley, sending home the rest.
Then it was time for some fantasy suites, as if they haven’t already been bopping this entire time.
Wells ended up deciding he wasn’t going to take Ashley’s virginity and didn’t go on the date with her. So they both went home.
Grant and Lace went on their date where they bought bracelets with the combination of their name “Grace”. Then they were like, not far enough, so let’s get tattoos. Grant’s line: “tattoos are permanent, but I think Lace and I are permanent”. I actually can’t believe they did it for real. They each have tattoos that are going to be there forever.
The rest of the dates seemed super lame after that.
Also just fuck Evan in general. What an asshat.
Sidenote: Lace had stains on every single piece of clothing she wore tonight.
We ended with all the couples heading into their fantasy suites, and tomorrow night we’ll find out who gets engaged. Spoiler it won’t be Nick!!
As soon as that done the producers threw in some dog noises as Wells (the DJ from last season) showed up and Ashley was ecstatic.
Everyone wanted Wells to ask Ashley on the date, so that everyone could move on with their lives, and he did! Success!
Lace started flirting with all the boys and her and Grant got into a fight, but they eventually made up.
Then came a ton of drama around where people are sleeping. Josh got mad Amanda wasn’t sleeping with him and tried to make her feel bad while she was sleeping, which is just douchy on every level.
For the rose ceremony, Carly gave her rose to Evan, Ashley to Wells, Jen to Nick, Izzy to Brett, Caila to Jared, Lace to Grant, Amanda to Josh. Then, Hayley and Emily decided that because they hadn’t found love yet, they were going to leave together. Ryan, Carl and Daniel all then had to say goodbye, since they didn’t give out their roses.
Before they left, the twins took Amanda aside to let her know how they feel about Josh (that his intentions aren't in the right place, and that he has a shitty temper, which we have seen).
Amanda then confronted Josh about these things, and he emotionally manipulated her back into being in love with him, and then he confronted the whole group.
In the end Amanda just went with Josh anyways and believed him and his bullshit.
While everyone was sleeping, Jami, from Ben’s season, showed up. Wells was the only one around so they hit it off and she asked him out and he said yes. And they left before Ashley woke up so everyone had to let her know.
Ashley held herself together and brushed it off, making everyone relaxed. UNTIL Ashley confronted Caila and told her exactly how she felt about her. Basically being a straight up bully. Which made Caila make the decision to leave.
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