They made it out of Utah. Finally. And they’re back in LA. Kaitlyn's sister cannot believe that Nick V is back or that him and Shawn and feuding. The sister is our representative.
Is the couch low enough yet? KEEP GOING said the producer before Kaitlyn’s family arrived.
They made it out of Utah. Finally. And they’re back in LA. Kaitlyn's sister cannot believe that Nick V is back or that him and Shawn and feuding. The sister is our representative.
Nick was the epitome of class in an open button-up and jeans and sneakers.
The whole family was shocked to see Nick V in all honesty, but her mom called him out on his shit. She called him arrogant and his response was that he wasn’t surprised that he was there.
Then he cried like a little baby talking about how she was great. Because manipulation. Then voila, the interrogation stopped.
Shawn on the other hand was wearing a matching shirt to Kaitlyn’s dad. So points on the outfit for Shawn.
Kaitlyn’s mom brought up the point we’re all having trouble with - which is jealousy with Shawn. He admitted to his struggle with jealousy, and that he only feels jealous because his feelings are so strong, and since it wasn’t exclusive he had troubles but once they are exclusive he’ll be fine. That won over Kaitlyn’s mom, and if it won her over it won us over.
Nick asked her dad for her hand in marriage whereas Shawn asked both parents. More points for Shawn.
Don’t worry, there were still one more date each.
Nick and Kaitlyn went sailing. Then they drank wine and had gross kisses. Nick gave her a gift (it was not in his pants). It was a really lame poem and picture in a fold up picture frame. UGH.
Kaitlyn and Shawn drank wine on a bench and Kaitlyn couldn’t articulate her feelings.
For his gift to Kaitlyn he chose the Jar of Treats (or Memory Jar). It included pictures and golf tees.
Neil Lane was there (obvi) and both guys picked out rings (although Nick thought it might be Kaitlyn knocking on the door to break up with him).
They all returned to the mansion for the final rose BECAUSE THIS SEASON MAKES NO SENSE.
And the first one out of the limo was…Nick. SEE YA LATER.
It was ruff watching him pour his heart out to her and have her just clearly not on the same page. Luckily she didn’t let him get down on one knee, but she did continue on her streak of super shitty breakups. He there both the engagement ring and the ring him and Kaitlyn got in Ireland when in the limo.
Then came the time where Shawn got down on one knee and said all the right things and voila, they’re engaged by the Bachelor mansion pool.
It was pretty cute, I won’t lie. But someone get Kaitlyn a coat please.
He repeats this mantra to himself 3 more times before emerging from the bathroom to sit amongst the other men. Nobody remembers who he is. He may have never even been on the show. But he was able to dress up his job title so much the producers didn’t question it. So here is. “Junkyard specialist” he repeats to himself one more time.
Don’t worry, Ryan M., we’ve already forgotten you (again), and focused back on Ashley “is that an onion!?” Salter who is with the rest of the Bachelor in Paradise cast looking like she could not care less. Also like she may be confused.
Things got heated FAST when they showed the clips of Ian being a DUMB IDIOT and one of the guys (I assume his name is Coreyander) said he agreed with Ian that Kaitlyn wasn’t a good Bachelorette. To which Jared responded “how long were you even on the show?”
Ian got down on one knee to say that he regrets the way he left the show and the things he said.
Poopah decided that men losing their jobs MEN WHO HAVE KIDS GODDAMNIT were screwed over by her bringing Nick on.
Bern Z. talked about how he closed off to Kaitlyn after she pretended to be dead during their date. Which we’ve discussed, because COME ON GIRL you do not invite the person who has had personal tragedy to a date where you pretend to have a wake. Maybe just don’t pretend to have a wake? Weird.
Ryan M. gave a successful finger-gun-point to Kaitlyn. Almost faints at the attention.
Kaitlyn came out and they discussed how she’s been treated because of her choices on the show. Chris Harrison read out some of the (VERY) hateful comments she’s received (including death threats). The audience was stunned to silence until someone shouted “we love you though!” then she got a standing ovation.
Chris then said “I would take you as a role model to my kids over anybody who cyberbullies”.
It was actually I think an important few moments on the show, to make it clear that she is a real person, and tweeting that you think she’s a whore doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt her.
Then we got back to the drams. The guys called Kaitlyn out on her shit (aka, inviting Nick to join the show). Coreyander still has lots to say. Seriously - who is this guy?
Don’t worry though, everyone made up in the end and we got our bloopers of Kaitlyn. Alls well that ends well, amirite broken hearted fellas?
Nick and Shawn are in a little seaside cottage. Shawn is talking and not listening to anything Nick says. Suddenly they look into each other’s eyes and realize that maybe they actually have found true love…with each other. The cameras go outside but the audio is still on so we can hear their tender love making.
Or at least that’s how I was hoping this confrontation would pan out. But alas. They just continued to disagree in a very boring manner. Brokeback Bachelor continues to be nothing but a pipe dream that we were once promised...
Kaitlyn and Ben go and ride horses. There are so many knit sweaters. As well as donkeys with “sick haircuts” (thanks for the description Ben). The horses and nature felt Ben’s calming presence, as did Kaitlyn. Enough to invite him up to the fantasy suite.
Let’s be real: Ben is the safe choice. He’s boring and would be the easy one to pick. BUT he’s not even that safe of a choice, he JUST turned 26. He may think he knows what he wants but chances are he doesn’t. He has a chance of winning since the other two are acting like such dorks though.
The fantasy suites have been super played-down this season because there was so much drama in the lead-up to it and so much focus on her banging Nick before the suites. It’s weird for there not to be this big deal surrounding them.
Shawn and Kaitlyn go golfing and he asks if the pants make his butt look big and he HAS to wear a pink shirt because HUMOUR AMIRITE. HAHAH. PINK SHIRT ON MEN. HAHAH. SO GREAT.
Also FYI ladies, if she doesn’t pick Shawn, you need to have a good golf swing for him to consider you wife material EVEN THOUGH HE SUCKS AT IT.
He gets naked and she steals his clothes (humour). Irish music plays (that sounds maybe like the Titanic soundtrack?).
Shawn tells Kaitlyn that he talked to Nick and he will talk to him again and she was all no, you don’t need to do that. Duh, dummy. All Kaitlyn is worried about is that Shawn will be loyal. Not that he’ll be possessive or over jealous (which RED FLAG he will be). She takes him to the suite to continue their discussions off camera where she hopes she’ll know by morning whether or not he’ll be marriage material.
Shawn went to talk to Nick again to tell him that he never wants to talk to him again. V productive. We get it Shawn, you like to talk. But we hate to break it to you, nobody wants to talk to you.
Kaitlyn and Chris had a little fireside chat (because, Ireland. Maybe they’re stuck there? Maybe someone’s passport got lost and they couldn’t leave?).
Her dress looks amazing, I guess to give the guy she’s sending home a good leaving memory of her. But before she can hand out a single rose she breaks down and has to leave the room. Chris Harrison obviously helps her regain her composure so she can come back and give Nick and Shawn a rose and send Ben home. So now *the drama continues*.
The remaining gentlemen (I’m taking that guy with the hair’s advice of not referring to them by name). Pounded back their wine so quick that they were left with nothing to do but adjust their panties and stand around.
Our first stop after Ireland is Utah, where apparently she’ll be meeting both Shawn and Nick’s families. Does that not defeat the purpose of hometowns?
Nick’s family sits awkwardly in a hotel room drinking and crying for Nick. They were VERY concerned for his well being. Even though he’s the one who decided to come on the show in the first place. But (supposedly) love her after talking with her for five minutes. And after they danced in a very natural, unposed way.
Nick cried to his mommy.
Kaitlyn brings the same gifts to both families, which hopefully they don’t notice while watching this episode, or else there may be *trouble in paradise*.
Shawn tells Kaitlyn that he’s been in love with her for a while. They made out and all their gross kissing sounds were very audible.
Kaitlyn then cried because the day went so well. Kaitlyn cried because Kaitlyn cries and that’s how we have to end every episode.
Next week we have the Men Tell All then the finale in two weeks where obviously both of them will propose.
Respect to Shawn for sticking with his position of not referring to Nick by name and still calling him ‘the other guy’.
Shawn got more one-on-one time after Kaitlyn sent Nick back to the house for the night. It was during this time with Shawn that she admitted to having sex with Nick. He, naturally, is not overjoyed with this information.
Neither Shawn or Nick got a rose, but both of them are still around for the rose ceremony.
One person still needs to go before hometowns.
They did NOT have a cocktail party because girl KNEW what she wanted. The men had to take a Sleepy Hollow style horse carriage ride to the castle they were holding tonight’s courting experience.
The first rose went to Shawn BUT he wanted to talk to her first. He still can’t comprehend why she would sleep with HIM of all people. Girl, if he isn’t okay with it now, he won’t be at the end of all this.
Ben got the second rose and Nick the third. Sending the poor man’s Ashton Kutcher (Jared) away.
Nick got the first overnight date, which drove Shawn insane with jealousy.
After the date was over, Shawn went to seed Nick and have a conversation with him. A conversation meaning calling him names and tell him how he actually feels.
And the drama will continue next week, where Shawn and Nick will lose their minds on each other.
Summary: Kaitlyn did NOT in fact tell all the guys she slept with Nick, just Shawn. Everyone still hates everyone else.
Brady and Britt are trying long distance. He’s going back to Nashville and she’s staying in LA.
Because why would we jump into a rose ceremony, Kaitlyn must first go on a two-on-one date with Joe and JJ. She’ll have to send one of them home.
JJ mentioned Bono (they’re in Ireland) within the first few minutes of the date. Then things went immediately silent and awkward.
Don’t worry, things got interesting fast when JJ admitted to Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife and that it destroyed his life (yeah no shit Sherlock). Kaitlyn said that she understands he probably learned a lot from that experience and wouldn’t make that mistake again. Katie needs a girlfriend here right now for some real girl talk to say: once a cheater, always a cheater. Don’t fucking do it.
Luckily she still got rid of JJ, using the excuse that he should probably be with his daughter.
Can we all agree two-on-ones are literally the worst? There is nothing more awkward. Never forget when Chris left two ladies out in the middle of the desert.
Shawn was contemplating on a bench in front of the mansion they’re staying at before the guys left for their two-on-one. Apparently there was NOTHING else to do in Ireland that day because they cut to him in the exact same position IN THE DARK. GO HOME SHAWN. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.
He couldn’t even listen to Joe talk about his date, so he left (presumably in search for a new bench). Before he can find any benches to perch he stops by Kaitlyn’s room (again). She’s still concerned that he knows what happened with Nick. But he just wants to talk about how she has said she told him he’s it.
She now regrets telling him that because she was just saying it to reassure him and not because she actually means it.
We finally hit the rose ceremony. This week it’s a cozy mid-show ceremony.
It’s here that Ben confronts Kaitlyn because he knows she has said something to Shawn that gave him validation.
Because Katie-pie couldn’t get over the fact that she slept with Nick she confronted Nick and asked him to never mention what happened in the privacy of their room. He had a mini freakout and said he would never say anything and he got real spasm-y. Maybe if he hadn’t talked about what happened with Andi in the fantasy suite the ladies would trust he could keep his damn mouth shut.
There was more talking with Shawn explaining how the process actually worked.
Then we finally saw some roses. Ben H., Chris, and Shawn got the roses. Sending Ben Z. and Tanner (totally forgot about him) home.
The group headed out for a road trip, Kaitlyn and Jared riding together in a cool car while all the guys were on a lame bus.
Chris Harrison decided that Kaitlyn needed to get her other relationships up to speed, and for that to happen they would need off-camera time. To do this, they’re switching things up. This week she’ll cut THREE GUYS and get down to the remaining three, then they’ll have the fantasy suites, then they’ll do the hometown dates.
This is very very different from how the show does things.
So first she’s going to have one-on-one dates, then decide which ones she does not want to spend the night with.
Cupcake got the first date, but she quickly knew that she couldn’t see it going any further and so she got on her helicopter and left him on a mountainside. Cupcake called her a mess and doesn’t think she knows what she wants right now. Then we saw Cupcake crying. It almost looked like he was going to jump off the cliff he was left on.
Next week Kaitlyn tells the guys she and Nick had sex. Then it looks like it comes down to either Shawn or Nick for a final rose. Ladies and, well, ladies, this is what we’ve been waiting for.
Kaitlyn admitted that she’s not as deep as he is but that doesn’t mean she’s surface level either. She made the A+ point that humour is important to her and that she hasn’t seen that in him. So he’s not the only one who hasn’t seen what he’s liked here.
Also, Ian, so fucking what if humour is the first thing a girl looks for in a guy? Apparently the first thing you look for is a broken vulnerable woman.
She asked him if she didn’t think he was being super rude and offensive (tip to Ian: you are).
She then said “I am not going to sit here and convince you otherwise, if that’s how you feel you can go”. So he did. Thank the lord. But did you know he was being punished for being an intellectual?
Also, watch out ladies - most women with their teeny tiny lady brains can’t connect to the very deep Ian.
He wasn’t there for the Kaitlyn who wanted her field ploughed, but his last words on the show were: “Oh man, I need some sex”. Because he’s a man. So he needs it. Kaitlyn just wants it. Duhhhhh.
I haven’t loved Kaitlyn as the Bachelorette, but holy shit did she ever handle that situation better than just about anyone else ever could.
But he’s gone, let’s move on.
Nick (who, reminder, has a rose), went up to comfort Kaitlyn in her time of need. And great foreshadowing: he wants to know her inside out.
She spent most of the rest of the night with Nick, and when Shawn came up to interrupt them she was macking hard on Nick and Shawn stormed out.
FINALLLY we got our rose ceremony (I mean, come on, this is getting ridiculous).
Roses went to: Jared, Chris, JJ (remember when he was the bad one?), Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. Bye-bye bad haircut.
Now the crew heads to Dublin, Ireland. FYI Nick: There actually are better places to fall in love than Ireland.
The first one-on-one in Dublin was with Nick. NICK. UGH. What about the other guys who have been there since the beginning who haven’t gotten a one-on-one?
The guys in the house think Shawn just needs a good cry. We agree wholeheartedly.
Nick and Kaitlyn start getting it on in a church. Because it IS Ireland - THE place to fall in love. But since that got creepy, Kaitlyn invited Nick back to her hotel. They pulled a classic Robert Durst and their mics were hot after they went into the bedroom, and we could hear them getting it on (quietly).
Nick stayed the night and Kaitlyn had some major balcony thoughts afterwards (like “has this ever happened before?”). Seriously, she was out on the balcony forever. And they made it seem like they were spying on her when she was clearly talking to a producer.
Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Chris, and Ben H., got the Ireland group date where they had a traditional Irish wake for Kaitlyn (who played dead). They all gave speeches to her. Ben Z. took it real serious (he’s the one who lost his mom when he was younger). Which was a douchey move on Kaitlyn’s part to plan this particular date with him.
Jared got the group date rose, and therefore more alone time with her (and The Cranberries).
This is what started Shawn’s decline. He left the group of guys that had been drinking together and appeared to be talking one of the producers. Clearly he was hammered and talking about his parents divorce and why he has his trust issues.
He showed up to her room to tell her he can’t handle it anymore. This led to her crying in her confessional saying she couldn’t do it any more because she felt her one mistake would potentially make Shawn leave.
Here’s the thing, the way they had cut this together in the previews mad it look like someone else slut shamed Kaitlyn (which, Ian definitely did, but not for sleeping with Nick), but she’s really just down on herself. We all make mistakes girl. It’ll be okay.
Next episode the guys are crying, there are new twists. Kaitlyn feels worse.
But wait! What is happening with Brady and Britt? Have they opened up a small crafts shop together yet? Nope, but he has met her mom who thinks he'd make a GREAT friend.
The guys who got the rose were Ben H., Ben Z., Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, and Nick. Ryan and Jonathan and Corey all had to leave then. Bye boys.
The rest of the group got to go to San Antonio, Texas, to warm their toes.
Here Ben H. got a one-on-one with Kaitlyn. They went to two-step competition, because there haven’t been enough awkward performances this season yet.
Ben H. impressed Kaitlyn enough to give him the rose (despite the fact he was drinking champagne while she was chugging back whiskey).
Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua and Nick got the group date. Leaving Shawn with the other one-on-one.
The group date consisted of more humiliation and writing and performing, this time with some mariachi music. Great news, the disc man is alive and well and is still being manufactured strictly for Bachelor use.
If the mariachi kid from this episode could be the Bachelor as soon as he turns 18 that would be great.
Joshua got Kaitlyn to cut his hair while he was blindfolded and she decided to shave off just a part of his hair. She attempted a mohawk but the clippers died halfway through so he got a partial mohawk. It is amazing.
A little later, Joshua took her to a church to rat Nick out (and all the other guys for lying to her face). Kaitlyn just wants the guys to get over the Nick thing already! It’s not her fault that she screwed over everyone by bringing in a known slut-shaming asshole.
After she confronted the guys Joshua said they were all being honest, throwing the bachelorette herself under the bus. The guys subsequently threw Joshie boy and his dumb haircut under the bus.
Because of all the drams, she for some reason gave Nick the group date rose (UGH UGH UGH). And chances are Joshua is going home immediately.
Her and Shawn got to do something nobody has ever done and never will do again - kayak. He then told her about his near-death car accident and said that he was falling in love with her. He’s obviously here for the right reasons.
Ian feels like Kaitlyn doesn’t like him (poor baby). He also feels like she’s not right for him - which is fair. Just leave then.
But he took it further by saying “there’s nothing wrong with me, there’s somethings wrong with her”. And that if he was on the other side of the coin, and was the Bachelor, and had 25 girls to choose from, this system would work for him. So basically he was JUST here to become the next Bachelor. BARF EVERYWHERE.
Other notables from Ian: Kaitlyn is not as hot as his ex-girlfriend. He is a gift you unwrap for life. He meets chicks and has a lot of sex in his own life.
He came here to meet the broken hearted girl, not the girl who wanted her field ploughed. He questions her intentions, and he thinks she’s here just to make our with guys on TV.
Some thoughts about Nick and his name:
Nick the Dick
Nick the Butt Lick
Nick the Prick
Nick the Clit
Nick the Nitwit
Nick V - does the V stand for Vagina? Vagrant? Virign (we know this one isn’t true)? Viagra? Villain? Vomit?
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