We open back on the COVID-free compound. Clare is still in love with Dale. The boys are excited to socialize (must be nice).
The first date is a group date, which includes a bunch of guys who are going to be overshadowed by Dale, who Clare picked because she couldn’t wait to see him again.
The men showed their love language to Clare, and they all professed their love. Which is all clearly very genuine after knowing someone for two days.
Then the date boys came running past the pool boys to grab things for a gift to Clare, in a part that was not really fully explained. This date almost hurt to watch it was so cringe-y and awkward. I think that all the dates will be this way because they are trapped in their compound, so there’s only so much they can do.
Next love language was physical touch. Which feels truly cruel to brag about right now. Clare complaining that quarantine was too long… as if we aren’t all doing that and CURRENTLY in it.
During the afterparty part of the date, nobody seemed to want to talk with her one-on-one until Bennett stepped up to the plate. Clare was so pissed she left poor Bennett and went and gave the guys shit for not manning up.
They (almost) all apologized, until Yosef said that she was ‘crazy’ for thinking they weren’t here for her. He said he was speaking for the group and that did not go over well.
Luckily Dale swept her away (seriously, poor Bennett!!) She managed to talk to more of the guys, eventually, and realized there were other men there. Riley got the rose for the date, although Dale thought he was going to get it, of course.
Then Jason got the first one-on-one date, where they opened up to each other by a fire pit. Unsure where on #COVIDcompound this is.
This date was basically a therapy session for each of them. Yelling, breaking things. Letter writing. Sure. Honestly he seems very sweet. I don’t think they’re meant for each other but I hope he finds love.
Then we got to the second group date, where they played dodgeball. Kenny (boy band manager), was ecstatic about this.
Clare of course had to up the ante, so it turned into strip dodgeball. Last team standing would get one-on-one time with her. They got down to their skivvies, and then some.
The losing team had to go back in their little jockstrap things. Most of the guys handled it pretty well, but Blake was upset about losing, and he wasn’t going to take it. So he crashed the date to get more time with her. Which is a classic dick move. I’m glad the guy he interrupted stood up a little bit to him, until it was clear he wasn’t leaving.
The rest of the men weren’t putting up with it and came to confront him. I am personally no longer team Blake. That’s not cool and not “ballsy”, it’s just obnoxious, rude, and classic toxic masculinity at play. Whatever producer put him up to it was really trying to start something.
Not that the date got much better after Blake left. The next guy on the docket, Brad, just said he liked her looks, but came on the show for her. Despite knowing nothing about her. Woof. She actually sent him packing mid-date. Which is pretty rare. A full breakup, mid-group date. YIKES.
Chayson? There’s someone named that? Got the date rose after some heavy smooching.
Back at the house the next day, Yosef went on to say he wouldn’t respect Clare if she had made him strip during dodgeball. He thought it was “classless”. Has he ever seen an episode of this show? Does he truly not understand what he’s signed up for?
At the rose ceremony, Clare pulled Blake aside and GAVE HIM A ROSE because she thought it was great that he keeps breaking the rules. No girl.
He then had to walk back into the party, for an extremely awkward moment with the rest of the men. While Dale swept Clare away again, of course, for some very hot and heavy private time.
We won’t get the actual rose ceremony until next week, where it looks like the men are getting angry, yet again.
Every part of this episode was cringey and hard to watch. (If they bring up how difficult their quarantine was one more time, so help me.)
You’re welcome for watching it for you.
Well Bach-heads, we are in for *cue music* the most dramatic season ever.
But actually are we?!
First off we’re in for a different season because of COVID-19. Chris Harrison addressed this off the top. “A lot of work, a lot of patience, and a lot of testing.”
So more than the White House has done.
Secondly, they are not only not at the regular mansion - they’re not even in LA.
We flashed back to ‘regular’ times (aka February of 2020), when they have video footage of asking Clare Crawley to be the Bachelorette. She obviously knew this was coming since there was someone there filming her conversation.
We see some of her journey here, aka we are forced to endure more Juan Pablo. You may remember she went to Paradise two times. But will this be the one that works for her?
Oh, have we mentioned yet that she’s 39? Because the show sure has!
Then cue some dramatic shots of her quarantining at home. (I did shed a tear over her talking about how tough it’s been with not being able to see her mom, who is in a care facility due to Alzheimers.)
But fear not! Chris Harrison is to the rescue to cure COVID - or at least loneliness. They are going ahead with filming; after testing Clare, and everyone, and staying in Palm Springs, in a...commune?
Then the men were ridiculously whiny about getting COVID tests outside of their personal villas in sunny California. Very tough. Very rough.
We also got to see them all quarantining… which was basically a lot of bed jumping. Just what we tune into escapist TV for.
On the night she’s to meet the men, her and Chris sit down and have a heart to heart, discussing her journey and more about how she’s still trying, even at 39, to find love.
Then we got the man parade - the usual antics (a man in a straight jacket, someone driving a station wagon - so suburban! - a man in a literal bubble), and Clare pretending to think every guy is so clever and funny.
As was obvious from the music change, Dale, former pro-athlete, stole the show in Clare’s eyes. “I knew it. I think I just met my husband.” She seemed truly floored. Feeling things she’s never felt, ever. Chris Harrison said it’s the first time he’s seen anyone so sure. He even seemed a little uncomfortable enough to say “you do know there’s more coming?”
Highlight of the episode: Honey, Clare’s dog, crashing the cocktail party.
Eventually, out came the first impression rose. The man in the straight jacket was still in the straight jacket, despite having been at the party now for presumably a long time. Was he drinking? Was he just sitting there like that with everyone? You have to give up the, not-great-to-begin-with, gag at some point.
Tyler supposedly knew that Yosef was doing stuff all over Instagram, and talking to girls Tyler knew. And he was not going to put up with it. He said something directly to Yosef, who denied it. “I have no idea what mini-McConaughey was saying.”
Yosef then went and told Clare what Tyler is doing. So she pulls Tyler aside, and another guy quips “I hope that’s about the fight and not the first impression rose.”
Of course in front of Clare, Yosef kept pledging his innocence, while the rest of the men, understandably, complained inside about how this was taking away from their potential time with Clare.
For her part, Clare just let them continue to hash it out, as she went to go talk to more of the men.
She pulled Blake aside and part-reprimanded him, part-applauded him for being the only one who broke the rule of no contact pre-show during quarantine. She very much appreciated him doing so, and he was awarded with the first kiss (and the producers made it seem like the first impression rose, but no dice).
That had to go to Dale. Her future husband. Love of her life.
Finally we got to the rose ceremony - at this point it barely really matters who is in and out, because if we haven’t gotten to know the guy in this episode, and he’s eliminated, well, we were never really meant to know them. Thanks for quarantining. Back to isolation at home you go.
(It really does suck for these guys though, they’ve had to put their life on hold longer than they normally would have, but such is love in the time of COVID). But at least they got to hug somebody!
It was FULL daylight out when the rose ceremony was over, which means this was a LONG night. Somebody get that man out of his straight jacket! Has he peed?! Is he ok?!
For what it’s worth - I think I’m team Blake. He’s so cute!
I also do not trust Yosef. Or Tyler (but he’s gone, so bye).
And thus concludes the first episode of the most dramatic season ever.
This season seems like a LOT of drama is on the way, and is almost guaranteed to be a perfect distraction from this dystopian world we’re living in.
Check back next week for a new recap, with more wine and gifs.
Lace and Grant were questioning their relationship. Absolutely crazy for two people who GOT TATTOOS just the day before.
All the men met with American hero Neil Lane to find their engagement ring and stand with picturesque backgrounds with it.
Evan spoke about how he never wanted to get married again until now. Which, as if. Please stop. Then Nick said he hoped it was the last time he’d meet with Neil Lane (Bachelor you seriously fucked this one up).
Evan and Carly were the first to go and they professed their love and got engaged. UGH GIRL HE TRICKED YOU AND THEN HE CRIED GET OUTTA THERE.
ALSO - his exact words were: “will you freaking marry me” - NOTE TO ANYONE PLANNING TO PROPOSE TO ME IF YOU SAY THIS I WILL NOT ONLY SAY NO BUT CASTRATE YOU IN THE PROCESS. xoxoxoxo.
Anyways, Lace and Grant were next, and they had one of the most real proclamations of love and then got engaged. They are the only couple I am actually rooting for and very happy for. Tattoo and all.
Then we had Nick and Jen and like spoiler he’s the next Bachelor so they can’t possibly last. She laid her feelings out and said I love you and he said that something was telling him to say goodbye.
Then we had Amanda and Josh, where Amanda proclaimed her love and Josh (shockingly) proposed to her. (Then talked about how great the ring he picked out was, barf).
But Nick scored himself a date card after Tiara (chicken girl) showed up and gave him her date card. They went to a carnival and had fun (surprising since carnivals are usually so unfun).
Meanwhile, Brett ended things with Izzy to be with Lauren. This sucks for Izzy because she had ended her relationship with Vinny to be with Brett. So she’s going to leave to try to salvage things with him.
She calls him from the car and can I say I am 99% sure her phone says his name is Vinny Vinnister. I hope I’m right on this and if I’m not please don’t tell me.
Also, girl you didn’t leave Paradise to try and work things out, you left because the other guy dumped you.
Anyways, Vinnister said no thanks you are shallow and dumb, ands he had to get the car to pull over so she could maybe vomit but for sure break down on the side of a Mexican highway.
Shushanna got mad during the lead put to he ceremony and just basically ran away, which worked exactly how she wanted because Wells came after her. But she still ended up going home because she knew she was going to go home.
For the rose ceremony, Josh gave his rose to Amanda, Nick to Jen, Evan to Carly, Grant to Lace, while Brett left, leaving Lauren in the cold as well (this is after dumping Izzy, keep in mind). Then Wells, who was the most up for grabs gave his rose to Ashley, sending home the rest.
Then it was time for some fantasy suites, as if they haven’t already been bopping this entire time.
Wells ended up deciding he wasn’t going to take Ashley’s virginity and didn’t go on the date with her. So they both went home.
Grant and Lace went on their date where they bought bracelets with the combination of their name “Grace”. Then they were like, not far enough, so let’s get tattoos. Grant’s line: “tattoos are permanent, but I think Lace and I are permanent”. I actually can’t believe they did it for real. They each have tattoos that are going to be there forever.
The rest of the dates seemed super lame after that.
Also just fuck Evan in general. What an asshat.
Sidenote: Lace had stains on every single piece of clothing she wore tonight.
We ended with all the couples heading into their fantasy suites, and tomorrow night we’ll find out who gets engaged. Spoiler it won’t be Nick!!
As soon as that done the producers threw in some dog noises as Wells (the DJ from last season) showed up and Ashley was ecstatic.
Everyone wanted Wells to ask Ashley on the date, so that everyone could move on with their lives, and he did! Success!
Lace started flirting with all the boys and her and Grant got into a fight, but they eventually made up.
Then came a ton of drama around where people are sleeping. Josh got mad Amanda wasn’t sleeping with him and tried to make her feel bad while she was sleeping, which is just douchy on every level.
For the rose ceremony, Carly gave her rose to Evan, Ashley to Wells, Jen to Nick, Izzy to Brett, Caila to Jared, Lace to Grant, Amanda to Josh. Then, Hayley and Emily decided that because they hadn’t found love yet, they were going to leave together. Ryan, Carl and Daniel all then had to say goodbye, since they didn’t give out their roses.
Before they left, the twins took Amanda aside to let her know how they feel about Josh (that his intentions aren't in the right place, and that he has a shitty temper, which we have seen).
Amanda then confronted Josh about these things, and he emotionally manipulated her back into being in love with him, and then he confronted the whole group.
In the end Amanda just went with Josh anyways and believed him and his bullshit.
While everyone was sleeping, Jami, from Ben’s season, showed up. Wells was the only one around so they hit it off and she asked him out and he said yes. And they left before Ashley woke up so everyone had to let her know.
Ashley held herself together and brushed it off, making everyone relaxed. UNTIL Ashley confronted Caila and told her exactly how she felt about her. Basically being a straight up bully. Which made Caila make the decision to leave.
They had a date card to give out, and they ended up giving it to Jared and Caila, which naturally destroyed Ashley I. She LITERALLY may die if they do something in the fantasy suite.
Evan got a date card and obviously gave it to Carly (he didn’t even have to fake his death this time). They went to a temple where they pledged love (or like) to each other.
Ashley worked on breaking up Caila and Jared by letting Jared know that she’s not into him and that she's fake. Camila obviously confronted Ashley about this and we have to wait until next Monday to find out how that ends.
As every episode begins, Ashley was crying over Jared, and Jared laid it out for her that he was not interested. NOT. INTERESTED. Girl needs to get it through her tears.
Jared then went to talk to Caila about it, and the producers, being as heartless as they are, overlaid their sound with sounds of Ashley crying.
Evan finally manipulated Carly into liking him. Meanwhile Daniel’s rose was the only one up for grabs, so all the girls had to basically fight for it.
During the rose ceremony, Graham gave Lace his rose, Josh to Amanda, Vinny to Izzy, Nick to Jen, Evan to Carly, Jared to Caila, and finally Daniel decided to let Haley and Emily stay. So Ashley’s stay was short lived and Sarah had to go home as well.
Ashley of course wasn’t going to go out without a fight, and she asked the group if they’d be okay with her coming back with an actual open mind this time (instead of fixating on Jared). Of course the group (aka the producers) let her back.
The next day a guy named Carl showed up (apparently from Andi’s season). I guess this season is all about bringing in people who we have NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE.
FOLLOWING WITH THIS STUPID ASS TREND, a guy named Brett from Andi’s season, who brought a lamp to Andi, and to Paradise, apparently.
Carl went for Emily, and Brett asked Caila on a date. This obviously made Jared upset (now he knows how it feels). Caila wasn’t into the booze cruise they went on, but you’re on a show that’s literally entered around getting drunk in the sun, so what were you expecting?
Caila decided she’d rather be with Jared in the end, devastating Ashley once again.
Ryan from Katelyn’s season showed up YET ANOTHER THAT WE DO NOT KNOW PLEASE STOP THIS YOU HAVE AN ENDLESS RESERVE.
Ryan asked Haley on a date, and she was stoked to get away from Daniel for the day.
Grant has taken adorable to a new level by taking Lace for a massage, then he told her that he loves her.
Izzy decided that she was maybe more into Brett than Vinny (even though they’ve been one of the most solid couples since the beginning). So she let Vinny know how she was feeling and he was not impressed.
We will find out what happens to them tomorrow.
Amanda is, of course, the sweetest, so she went to the tree house with him where he told her that he came there for her. Me to Evan watching this:
Evan is the MOST self righteous dude there. He truly thinks he should get anyone he decides he wants.
Anyways, Amanda obviously wasn’t into it, which just made her feel super bad and that isn’t fair because Evan obviously knew she would be like that.
Sidebar: pizza is to Josh what lunch meat was to Chad.
Evan once again pulled Amanda aside before the rose ceremony to tell her that he thinks Josh is emotionally abusive. Which is an emotionally abusive thing to do to someone because it’s entirely self serving.
Everyone else jumped on this bandwagon out of nowhere to say screw Josh, with Nick being the only one to say, “I don’t know if it’s true or false, but be aware and ask the right questions”. Once again, Nick being the good guy. Where is this niceness coming from?!
Then we had the rose ceremony. Lace gave hers to Grant, Izzy gave hers to Vinny, Emily gave hers to Jared, Amanda gave hers to Josh, Sarah gave hers to Daniel, Carly gave hers to Evan (gross), Hayley gave hers to Nick. This sent home Christian and Brandon.
Also: Evan called the girls his little sisters that he had to protect. Literally fuck this guy (except don’t fuck him, ladies). He also said “Carly may have closed the door on me, but she forgot to lock it” SERIOUSLY DUDE:
After the rose ceremony, Caila (our almost Bachelorette) showed up and asked Jared out on a date. They went horseback riding at sunset, as you do. (Jared broke up with Emily when he got back from the date).
Izzy and Lace got the first double date in Paradise history and obviously they brought Vinny and Grant. They went to a foam party, and a girl tossed water on them, which angered Lace, but Grant got her out of there.
While they were on their date, the rest had dates at home. Afterwards, Evan passed out and wouldn’t wake up, so producers called medical. By the time Carly came down he was awake and fine. Then he took that chance to hit on Carly. It was all very, VERY odd.
While Jared was having a blast with his new gf Carly, Ashley showed up (again). We’ll see how that turns out tomorrow night.
All the girls immediately commented on how she looks so different from her season (Ben’s season), because of a hella lot of plastic surgery.
She ended up asking Nick out on a date, which upset Amanda, of course, because she is into him. Also can we talk about Leah’s taste in men. I think Nick is getting better, but still she picked two of the villains from the shows.
Immediately after getting back from his date, Nick received a date card, and he got to choose. This time he chose Amanda, which then pissed of Leah. And the circle of life continues.
Carly and Evan had a bit of a connection, but I don’t think he’s man enough for her. He loved the kiss and she was not a fan. Her exact words “I don’t know how this man has two kids”.
Meanwhile, Grant and Lace ‘connected’ on the beach, then the bedroom (where they unsuccessfully covered the camera).
But most of the girls were scrambling leading up to the rose ceremony.
Vinny ended up kissing both Izzy and Sarah before the ceremony, so that’s awkward af.
Leah pulled Nick aside, and I gotta say, I respect that he flat out was like listen, I connect to Amanda more than you. He’s being honest and that’s what we need boy.
Daniel was the one that had the most power for this ceremony, which was the most obnoxious thing to happen. He is truly the worst and making a disgrace of our country.
In the end, Grant gave his rose to Lace, Nick gave his to Amanda, Evan gave his to Carly, Jared gave his to Emily (and therefore also Haley), Vinny gave his to Izzy, while douchebag Daniel gave his to Sarah.
This sent home Leah (hope you enjoyed your day there) and Jubilee (no! my girl!).
After the rose ceremony, Josh, fresh off his sting of ‘Famously Single’ and Andi Doorman’s ex-fiance, showed up to camp. How I feel about this guy.
He had a date card off the bat and asked Amanda out (keep in mind Nick was also on Andi’s season, like, she picked Josh over Nick).
Side note: every time one of the girls leaves she tells the other girls that she loves them. I think that’s really adorable, but also why?
Evan and Carly went on a date, but she had already decided she didn’t like him, so it was awkward.
They had to do the longest hot pepper kiss and beat a world record. It was basic torture for Carly.
Jared and Emily finally kissed after she practically jumped him.
When Josh and Amanda came back from the date and were all over each other, which he was just doing truly to piss Nick off. Also he makes really awful noises while making out that makes me very uncomfortable.
Daniel the Canadian (WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE THIS) made the worst impression right off the bat, by saying the three girls that were there already he “wouldn’t touch”. The blonde one if he’d had a few drinks in him. They’re bruised fruit, you know?
But the twins showed up and Daniel immediately brightened.
Most unknown goes to: Izzy. WHO is she? WHERE did she come from? WHY is she here? WILL these questions ever be answered? One of them will, and that’s that she supposedly comes from Ben’s season. She must have been eliminated on the first night, because people there FROM HER SEASON didn’t know who she was.
For the first week, the guys have the power. It was also established that if you choose one twin, both stay.
Jubilee got the first date card and chose Jared.
Chad and Lace got it on in the hot tube pretty much immediately, and just as quickly things fizzled out between them, after much shouting and hitting.
Chad continued to get aggressive with everyone else, so he had pretty much only made enemies after night one.
So much so that Chris Harrison was called in to handle the situation, where he said the line “everyone came here for Paradise but you’ve made it hell”. Honestly Chris H laid down the law like he’s never done before and sent Chad home. HE HAS HAD IT.
But of course Chad put up a fight and didn’t go easy. But eventually he was gone and we won’t miss you, boy.
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