Lace and Grant were questioning their relationship. Absolutely crazy for two people who GOT TATTOOS just the day before.
All the men met with American hero Neil Lane to find their engagement ring and stand with picturesque backgrounds with it.
Evan spoke about how he never wanted to get married again until now. Which, as if. Please stop. Then Nick said he hoped it was the last time he’d meet with Neil Lane (Bachelor you seriously fucked this one up).
Evan and Carly were the first to go and they professed their love and got engaged. UGH GIRL HE TRICKED YOU AND THEN HE CRIED GET OUTTA THERE.
ALSO - his exact words were: “will you freaking marry me” - NOTE TO ANYONE PLANNING TO PROPOSE TO ME IF YOU SAY THIS I WILL NOT ONLY SAY NO BUT CASTRATE YOU IN THE PROCESS. xoxoxoxo.
Anyways, Lace and Grant were next, and they had one of the most real proclamations of love and then got engaged. They are the only couple I am actually rooting for and very happy for. Tattoo and all.
Then we had Nick and Jen and like spoiler he’s the next Bachelor so they can’t possibly last. She laid her feelings out and said I love you and he said that something was telling him to say goodbye.
Then we had Amanda and Josh, where Amanda proclaimed her love and Josh (shockingly) proposed to her. (Then talked about how great the ring he picked out was, barf).
But Nick scored himself a date card after Tiara (chicken girl) showed up and gave him her date card. They went to a carnival and had fun (surprising since carnivals are usually so unfun).
Meanwhile, Brett ended things with Izzy to be with Lauren. This sucks for Izzy because she had ended her relationship with Vinny to be with Brett. So she’s going to leave to try to salvage things with him.
She calls him from the car and can I say I am 99% sure her phone says his name is Vinny Vinnister. I hope I’m right on this and if I’m not please don’t tell me.
Also, girl you didn’t leave Paradise to try and work things out, you left because the other guy dumped you.
Anyways, Vinnister said no thanks you are shallow and dumb, ands he had to get the car to pull over so she could maybe vomit but for sure break down on the side of a Mexican highway.
Shushanna got mad during the lead put to he ceremony and just basically ran away, which worked exactly how she wanted because Wells came after her. But she still ended up going home because she knew she was going to go home.
For the rose ceremony, Josh gave his rose to Amanda, Nick to Jen, Evan to Carly, Grant to Lace, while Brett left, leaving Lauren in the cold as well (this is after dumping Izzy, keep in mind). Then Wells, who was the most up for grabs gave his rose to Ashley, sending home the rest.
Then it was time for some fantasy suites, as if they haven’t already been bopping this entire time.
Wells ended up deciding he wasn’t going to take Ashley’s virginity and didn’t go on the date with her. So they both went home.
Grant and Lace went on their date where they bought bracelets with the combination of their name “Grace”. Then they were like, not far enough, so let’s get tattoos. Grant’s line: “tattoos are permanent, but I think Lace and I are permanent”. I actually can’t believe they did it for real. They each have tattoos that are going to be there forever.
The rest of the dates seemed super lame after that.
Also just fuck Evan in general. What an asshat.
Sidenote: Lace had stains on every single piece of clothing she wore tonight.
We ended with all the couples heading into their fantasy suites, and tomorrow night we’ll find out who gets engaged. Spoiler it won’t be Nick!!
As soon as that done the producers threw in some dog noises as Wells (the DJ from last season) showed up and Ashley was ecstatic.
Everyone wanted Wells to ask Ashley on the date, so that everyone could move on with their lives, and he did! Success!
Lace started flirting with all the boys and her and Grant got into a fight, but they eventually made up.
Then came a ton of drama around where people are sleeping. Josh got mad Amanda wasn’t sleeping with him and tried to make her feel bad while she was sleeping, which is just douchy on every level.
For the rose ceremony, Carly gave her rose to Evan, Ashley to Wells, Jen to Nick, Izzy to Brett, Caila to Jared, Lace to Grant, Amanda to Josh. Then, Hayley and Emily decided that because they hadn’t found love yet, they were going to leave together. Ryan, Carl and Daniel all then had to say goodbye, since they didn’t give out their roses.
Before they left, the twins took Amanda aside to let her know how they feel about Josh (that his intentions aren't in the right place, and that he has a shitty temper, which we have seen).
Amanda then confronted Josh about these things, and he emotionally manipulated her back into being in love with him, and then he confronted the whole group.
In the end Amanda just went with Josh anyways and believed him and his bullshit.
While everyone was sleeping, Jami, from Ben’s season, showed up. Wells was the only one around so they hit it off and she asked him out and he said yes. And they left before Ashley woke up so everyone had to let her know.
Ashley held herself together and brushed it off, making everyone relaxed. UNTIL Ashley confronted Caila and told her exactly how she felt about her. Basically being a straight up bully. Which made Caila make the decision to leave.
They had a date card to give out, and they ended up giving it to Jared and Caila, which naturally destroyed Ashley I. She LITERALLY may die if they do something in the fantasy suite.
Evan got a date card and obviously gave it to Carly (he didn’t even have to fake his death this time). They went to a temple where they pledged love (or like) to each other.
Ashley worked on breaking up Caila and Jared by letting Jared know that she’s not into him and that she's fake. Camila obviously confronted Ashley about this and we have to wait until next Monday to find out how that ends.
As every episode begins, Ashley was crying over Jared, and Jared laid it out for her that he was not interested. NOT. INTERESTED. Girl needs to get it through her tears.
Jared then went to talk to Caila about it, and the producers, being as heartless as they are, overlaid their sound with sounds of Ashley crying.
Evan finally manipulated Carly into liking him. Meanwhile Daniel’s rose was the only one up for grabs, so all the girls had to basically fight for it.
During the rose ceremony, Graham gave Lace his rose, Josh to Amanda, Vinny to Izzy, Nick to Jen, Evan to Carly, Jared to Caila, and finally Daniel decided to let Haley and Emily stay. So Ashley’s stay was short lived and Sarah had to go home as well.
Ashley of course wasn’t going to go out without a fight, and she asked the group if they’d be okay with her coming back with an actual open mind this time (instead of fixating on Jared). Of course the group (aka the producers) let her back.
The next day a guy named Carl showed up (apparently from Andi’s season). I guess this season is all about bringing in people who we have NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE.
FOLLOWING WITH THIS STUPID ASS TREND, a guy named Brett from Andi’s season, who brought a lamp to Andi, and to Paradise, apparently.
Carl went for Emily, and Brett asked Caila on a date. This obviously made Jared upset (now he knows how it feels). Caila wasn’t into the booze cruise they went on, but you’re on a show that’s literally entered around getting drunk in the sun, so what were you expecting?
Caila decided she’d rather be with Jared in the end, devastating Ashley once again.
Ryan from Katelyn’s season showed up YET ANOTHER THAT WE DO NOT KNOW PLEASE STOP THIS YOU HAVE AN ENDLESS RESERVE.
Ryan asked Haley on a date, and she was stoked to get away from Daniel for the day.
Grant has taken adorable to a new level by taking Lace for a massage, then he told her that he loves her.
Izzy decided that she was maybe more into Brett than Vinny (even though they’ve been one of the most solid couples since the beginning). So she let Vinny know how she was feeling and he was not impressed.
We will find out what happens to them tomorrow.
Amanda is, of course, the sweetest, so she went to the tree house with him where he told her that he came there for her. Me to Evan watching this:
Evan is the MOST self righteous dude there. He truly thinks he should get anyone he decides he wants.
Anyways, Amanda obviously wasn’t into it, which just made her feel super bad and that isn’t fair because Evan obviously knew she would be like that.
Sidebar: pizza is to Josh what lunch meat was to Chad.
Evan once again pulled Amanda aside before the rose ceremony to tell her that he thinks Josh is emotionally abusive. Which is an emotionally abusive thing to do to someone because it’s entirely self serving.
Everyone else jumped on this bandwagon out of nowhere to say screw Josh, with Nick being the only one to say, “I don’t know if it’s true or false, but be aware and ask the right questions”. Once again, Nick being the good guy. Where is this niceness coming from?!
Then we had the rose ceremony. Lace gave hers to Grant, Izzy gave hers to Vinny, Emily gave hers to Jared, Amanda gave hers to Josh, Sarah gave hers to Daniel, Carly gave hers to Evan (gross), Hayley gave hers to Nick. This sent home Christian and Brandon.
Also: Evan called the girls his little sisters that he had to protect. Literally fuck this guy (except don’t fuck him, ladies). He also said “Carly may have closed the door on me, but she forgot to lock it” SERIOUSLY DUDE:
After the rose ceremony, Caila (our almost Bachelorette) showed up and asked Jared out on a date. They went horseback riding at sunset, as you do. (Jared broke up with Emily when he got back from the date).
Izzy and Lace got the first double date in Paradise history and obviously they brought Vinny and Grant. They went to a foam party, and a girl tossed water on them, which angered Lace, but Grant got her out of there.
While they were on their date, the rest had dates at home. Afterwards, Evan passed out and wouldn’t wake up, so producers called medical. By the time Carly came down he was awake and fine. Then he took that chance to hit on Carly. It was all very, VERY odd.
While Jared was having a blast with his new gf Carly, Ashley showed up (again). We’ll see how that turns out tomorrow night.
All the girls immediately commented on how she looks so different from her season (Ben’s season), because of a hella lot of plastic surgery.
She ended up asking Nick out on a date, which upset Amanda, of course, because she is into him. Also can we talk about Leah’s taste in men. I think Nick is getting better, but still she picked two of the villains from the shows.
Immediately after getting back from his date, Nick received a date card, and he got to choose. This time he chose Amanda, which then pissed of Leah. And the circle of life continues.
Carly and Evan had a bit of a connection, but I don’t think he’s man enough for her. He loved the kiss and she was not a fan. Her exact words “I don’t know how this man has two kids”.
Meanwhile, Grant and Lace ‘connected’ on the beach, then the bedroom (where they unsuccessfully covered the camera).
But most of the girls were scrambling leading up to the rose ceremony.
Vinny ended up kissing both Izzy and Sarah before the ceremony, so that’s awkward af.
Leah pulled Nick aside, and I gotta say, I respect that he flat out was like listen, I connect to Amanda more than you. He’s being honest and that’s what we need boy.
Daniel was the one that had the most power for this ceremony, which was the most obnoxious thing to happen. He is truly the worst and making a disgrace of our country.
In the end, Grant gave his rose to Lace, Nick gave his to Amanda, Evan gave his to Carly, Jared gave his to Emily (and therefore also Haley), Vinny gave his to Izzy, while douchebag Daniel gave his to Sarah.
This sent home Leah (hope you enjoyed your day there) and Jubilee (no! my girl!).
After the rose ceremony, Josh, fresh off his sting of ‘Famously Single’ and Andi Doorman’s ex-fiance, showed up to camp. How I feel about this guy.
He had a date card off the bat and asked Amanda out (keep in mind Nick was also on Andi’s season, like, she picked Josh over Nick).
Side note: every time one of the girls leaves she tells the other girls that she loves them. I think that’s really adorable, but also why?
Evan and Carly went on a date, but she had already decided she didn’t like him, so it was awkward.
They had to do the longest hot pepper kiss and beat a world record. It was basic torture for Carly.
Jared and Emily finally kissed after she practically jumped him.
When Josh and Amanda came back from the date and were all over each other, which he was just doing truly to piss Nick off. Also he makes really awful noises while making out that makes me very uncomfortable.
Daniel the Canadian (WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE THIS) made the worst impression right off the bat, by saying the three girls that were there already he “wouldn’t touch”. The blonde one if he’d had a few drinks in him. They’re bruised fruit, you know?
But the twins showed up and Daniel immediately brightened.
Most unknown goes to: Izzy. WHO is she? WHERE did she come from? WHY is she here? WILL these questions ever be answered? One of them will, and that’s that she supposedly comes from Ben’s season. She must have been eliminated on the first night, because people there FROM HER SEASON didn’t know who she was.
For the first week, the guys have the power. It was also established that if you choose one twin, both stay.
Jubilee got the first date card and chose Jared.
Chad and Lace got it on in the hot tube pretty much immediately, and just as quickly things fizzled out between them, after much shouting and hitting.
Chad continued to get aggressive with everyone else, so he had pretty much only made enemies after night one.
So much so that Chris Harrison was called in to handle the situation, where he said the line “everyone came here for Paradise but you’ve made it hell”. Honestly Chris H laid down the law like he’s never done before and sent Chad home. HE HAS HAD IT.
But of course Chad put up a fight and didn’t go easy. But eventually he was gone and we won’t miss you, boy.
Tanner told Jade he loves her (gross) and she loves him too (grosser).
Tenley is unsure of how she feels about Joshua because they live far apart and maybe because he’s kind of boring?
Then came the rose ceremony, Cassandra and Justin exchanged their roses, and Sam and Nick exchanged roses as well (you got what you wanted Samantha!).
Tenley broke up with Joshua because of the distance and difference in lifestyles between the two of them.
And so finally we had Jade and Tanner, who obviously, if you’ve seen any commercial for the show, get engaged. And subsequently has the most awkward staged exit of all time.
And so ends this season of Bachelor in Paradise.
I’ll give it to them that they had their dramatic points, but overall it was a relatively boring season (maybe two nights in a row is just too much).
Until next season.
Mikey pulled Juelia aside to let her know that he doesn’t see a romantic future with her. I respect him for that because he at least didn’t lead her on. She ran into the ocean. (But actually, she left).
So with one single mom gone, a new one must appear. So in comes Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season. She asked Justin on a date, but he was just asked by Jaclyn (but he chooses Cassandra).
Ashley I is in love with Jared because he looks SO CUTE SLEEPING. Jared, however, was not feeling the same. You can basically imagine how that conversation went.
Nick ended up getting Jaclyn’s date card so he could ask Samantha out. But she also wants to get to know Mikey because she’s shady af.
There was no cocktail party before the final rose ceremony, adding to the drams.
Ashley I left on her on because she’s going to go find her whimsical attachment somewhere else.
Kirk gave his rose to Carly, Tanner gave his to Jade, Nick to Samantha, Josh to Tenley, Justin to Cassandra and Dan decided to remove himself from the competition without giving anyone a rose. Finally, Mikey gave his rose to Mackenzie but she denied him, so he left without giving anyone his rose. So six girls and two guys ended up leaving in total.
And so started the final week, where the remaining couples would spend the time trying to see if they could grow beyond all this. They got dates and fantasy suites.
But before this happens, Kirk starts to have some doubts.
Turns out he’s been feeling that way for a week, and he’s mad at HER because she got so angry she decided she didn’t want to hear it from him. BUT EFF THAT GUY. It was one of the most maddening scenes, and the only good thing to come out of it was seeing the women bond together to help one another out.
I mean, I feel betrayed and I’ve just been watching the show, the way Carly must feel is unreal.
Kirk is the worst. It has been officially confirmed by ladies everywhere. That is all I have to say about the first part of the season finale.
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