Bachelor In Paradise Season Premiere Recap

Okay, to be fair, I completely missed the first 20 minutes and last 20 minutes of the show because HOW DARE THEY put this show on a Sunday night in summer.

Just when I was tuning in, Ashley I was bringing in her sister Lauren, who has never been on any Bachelor shows, and many MANY women are not happy about it and think it’s unfair. The guys on the other hand could care less. However, if one sister gets the rose, the other stays. Package deal.

As per usual in this type of Bachelor show, people just kept coming in throughout that show.

Jonathan (from Kaitlyn’s season) proved himself as a complete douche-asshole (not to be confused with an asshole that has been douched). Ashley S. was the last person to arrive not he first day and continued to be the perfection we came to know, starting with being obsessed with a bird cage before she even made it down to the beach.

Lacy and Marcus got married in front of the current Bachelor in Paradise cast (how romantic?) and some of their family. Everyone cried like little babies. Speaking of, Lacy is totally preggers. 

Lauren (Ashley I’s sister) cried the first night there because she is old and doesn’t want anyone there. Ashley I cried shortly after. The sisters are doing GREAT.

Carly and Kirk were an early match who spent all of the first night cuddling.

Side note: can we stop blacking out Jillian’s butt? It’s super unnecessary, and not funny, just sexist.

Ashley I got the first date card and she chose Jared to go with her. Jade got the second one and she took Tanner on her date (although there was a moment everyone thought she'd choose Jared as well.

I guess they’re not allowed to wear sunglasses on the show, which is the worst for them. I genuinely feel bad for them. That sucks.



Ashley S. went to the hospital, nobody could tell if Dan went with her because he had feelings for her or for some other reason. Like, I don't know, that he was a decent human being who saw someone being towed away in an ambulance and decided to check on them. I guess we'll maybe find out what happened to her tomorrow night?


Clare showed up at the last minute, a return from last season of Bachelor in Paradise. Just when a hurricane was blowing in, which means that Chris Harrison had to call her Hurricane Clare a minimum of three times. She also got a date card right off the bat.

The drama will continue tomorrow night, and Ashley I will continue to cry.