A day late and a dollar short, or you know a day late and another man (or, like, 5) short. Now that This Is Us has returned to Tuesday nights, I have to prioritize my TV watching, so you can expect these a day behind going forward.
We opened on the cocktail party, pre-rose ceremony. And baby boy Yosef who is still unhappy about what happened on the date he was not on.
He confronted Clare about all the ‘red flags’ he had with her. As you may imagine, this didn’t go over great.
He went on to say it wasn’t what he expected from the oldest Bachelorette ever. And that he was ashamed to be associated with her because she was a bad example to his daughter. He really tore into her and you could see her just trying to contain herself and take this in before losing it.
She finally did lose it on him, telling him that she’d never want her children to have a father like him and she kicked his ass out.
As walking out he kept yelling about her age and the other guys tried to calm him down and not lose their shit.
She went off to the producers until her boy Dale came to save the day for her. This flipped her mood because she loOoOoves him.
Chris Harrison made an appearance to make sure she was okay and get her feelings.
Then we had the rose ceremony, where a few more guys were sent home. We’re still at the point in the season where you go “WHO is that?!” for most of the guys they don’t focus on, so we’re not onto the important rose ceremonies quite yet.
Then a former Bachelorette, (I don’t know who - I missed it because I was scrolling Instagram and I don’t know the franchise that well, clearly) came to give her support. I guess she quarantined, too? For two weeks? Before a cameo?
Of course Clare just talked about her love for Dale the whole time.
Then Clare somehow was four hours late to her day date (which was a group one), and instead they just got a cocktail party with her.
Dale asked to speak to Clare one-on-one first during the date. He did it in a respectful manner, but then that went out the window because they basically spent the whole night together, leaving the rest of the men just sitting around waiting for them to finish smooching in her room.
Everyone was pissed because then they all had to rush their alone time with her. Everyone seemed very on edge and aggressive for the rest of the date. Especially when Dale made another appearance and showed up for a second alone time with her. Yikes.
Dale got the rose on that date and then just dug himself in deeper with the men by trying to explain himself and doing a poor job of it.
The men. Are. Pissed.
Zach J got the one-on-one date, where they went for a spa day (in the compound, of course). And, of course, Clare wishes she was really there with Dale.
They had a super super awkward almost-kiss. Which would be one cringey thing. But then Clare tried to walk away and he kind of tried to pull her back, more than once, and do a do-over of the kiss, but it was very forced and uncomfortable and not ok. If she no longer wants to kiss, don’t kiss!
It upset Clare (understandably) enough, that she didn’t go to dinner and had Chris Harrison go to break up with him for her. And so Zach got sent home.
Back at the pool there was talk of Clare and Dale possibly being in communication prior to the show. Which, who knows if that’s true or not. Not sure if we’ll find that out.
Next up was another group date, and Margaret Cho was there to help the men write jokes for a roast. The rest of the men came to be the audience for the show.
Of course the men really tore into Dale, especially Bennett. Honestly all of their complaints about him seem to be not that bad?
Anyways, Clare was not pleased, naturally, that they hurt her boy. Although Dale took it well - back at the house he told Eazy that he deserved it and he was okay with it.
Meanwhile during the cocktail portion of the evening was still monopolized by Dale and Clare asking about their jokes about Dale. Literally every guy she talked to about him. That’s pretty rude and tough on those guys, I gotta say.
She ended up saying that she didn’t get what she needed from the men and didn’t give any of them a rose on that date. That led to talk of the men walking out. (But they didn’t - at least not on this episode. Probably because they are trapped there).
Next episode is where things will get wild… and we get a NEW Bachelorette?!
We open back on the COVID-free compound. Clare is still in love with Dale. The boys are excited to socialize (must be nice).
The first date is a group date, which includes a bunch of guys who are going to be overshadowed by Dale, who Clare picked because she couldn’t wait to see him again.
The men showed their love language to Clare, and they all professed their love. Which is all clearly very genuine after knowing someone for two days.
Then the date boys came running past the pool boys to grab things for a gift to Clare, in a part that was not really fully explained. This date almost hurt to watch it was so cringe-y and awkward. I think that all the dates will be this way because they are trapped in their compound, so there’s only so much they can do.
Next love language was physical touch. Which feels truly cruel to brag about right now. Clare complaining that quarantine was too long… as if we aren’t all doing that and CURRENTLY in it.
During the afterparty part of the date, nobody seemed to want to talk with her one-on-one until Bennett stepped up to the plate. Clare was so pissed she left poor Bennett and went and gave the guys shit for not manning up.
They (almost) all apologized, until Yosef said that she was ‘crazy’ for thinking they weren’t here for her. He said he was speaking for the group and that did not go over well.
Luckily Dale swept her away (seriously, poor Bennett!!) She managed to talk to more of the guys, eventually, and realized there were other men there. Riley got the rose for the date, although Dale thought he was going to get it, of course.
Then Jason got the first one-on-one date, where they opened up to each other by a fire pit. Unsure where on #COVIDcompound this is.
This date was basically a therapy session for each of them. Yelling, breaking things. Letter writing. Sure. Honestly he seems very sweet. I don’t think they’re meant for each other but I hope he finds love.
Then we got to the second group date, where they played dodgeball. Kenny (boy band manager), was ecstatic about this.
Clare of course had to up the ante, so it turned into strip dodgeball. Last team standing would get one-on-one time with her. They got down to their skivvies, and then some.
The losing team had to go back in their little jockstrap things. Most of the guys handled it pretty well, but Blake was upset about losing, and he wasn’t going to take it. So he crashed the date to get more time with her. Which is a classic dick move. I’m glad the guy he interrupted stood up a little bit to him, until it was clear he wasn’t leaving.
The rest of the men weren’t putting up with it and came to confront him. I am personally no longer team Blake. That’s not cool and not “ballsy”, it’s just obnoxious, rude, and classic toxic masculinity at play. Whatever producer put him up to it was really trying to start something.
Not that the date got much better after Blake left. The next guy on the docket, Brad, just said he liked her looks, but came on the show for her. Despite knowing nothing about her. Woof. She actually sent him packing mid-date. Which is pretty rare. A full breakup, mid-group date. YIKES.
Chayson? There’s someone named that? Got the date rose after some heavy smooching.
Back at the house the next day, Yosef went on to say he wouldn’t respect Clare if she had made him strip during dodgeball. He thought it was “classless”. Has he ever seen an episode of this show? Does he truly not understand what he’s signed up for?
At the rose ceremony, Clare pulled Blake aside and GAVE HIM A ROSE because she thought it was great that he keeps breaking the rules. No girl.
He then had to walk back into the party, for an extremely awkward moment with the rest of the men. While Dale swept Clare away again, of course, for some very hot and heavy private time.
We won’t get the actual rose ceremony until next week, where it looks like the men are getting angry, yet again.
Every part of this episode was cringey and hard to watch. (If they bring up how difficult their quarantine was one more time, so help me.)
You’re welcome for watching it for you.
Between this and The Bachelorette - is Palm Springs the safest place from COVID?
The crew is heading for a family vacation to Palm Springs - after Kris comforts Kourtney for not wanting to film; this after the episode aired where her and Kim physically fought from last season.
Then Kris, Corey, and Kendall had to get their Ferrari's customized. Including some Hermes orange.
Finally we made it to Palm Springs, where Kris was disinfecting her glasses, and spraying the air. But she's created a fortress for the family! If nothing says safety in the time of COVID it's a family get-together of 10+ people and their FULL staff.
The family is anxiously awaiting Kylie, and pass the time by participating in game night. Revolutionary.
Kylie appears, and Scott breaks a vintage lamp. Kris keeps asking everyone about it as if this isn't a very produced moment (VPM, trademark pending).
Scott eventually 'comes clean' to Kris. And she's okay with it! Because they are billionaires! They can replace a lamp! Shock! Lesson learned, kiddos.
The crew (the very scared of COVID crew) gets ready for a night on the town. Classic.
Kendall and Kylie fight about clothes. A true sister moment, except these sisters have endless clothes to wear, making the argument inconsequential. But if you have it all, you simply must find things to argue about.
They go for dinner and a drag show. Obviously this was all still open and happening at the time of filming, but they really need to pick a lane. Either they are terrified of this virus and don't want to go near anyone, or they're okay with being out at a busy drag show.
Kendall slept in a car while they enjoyed the show, and when they all came out she wanted a ride home, and a fight occurred between Kendall and Kylie, but all we got was screaming over the phone and captions. As the cameras appeared to only be on in the car with the rest of the family.
Producers - WHERE WERE YOU? This is your job. We rarely get fights like this - IT BETTER BE ON CAMERA!
Kendall tried to bring Corey into the fight when she got into the other car and explained the story. It seems, true or not, that there's a lot of issues with Corey here that are coming up through this fight.
The episode ended with everyone making it home, and Kendall suffering by going back to the Palm Springs house. Who could have predicted that this trip would end in disarray?
Well Bach-heads, we are in for *cue music* the most dramatic season ever.
But actually are we?!
First off we’re in for a different season because of COVID-19. Chris Harrison addressed this off the top. “A lot of work, a lot of patience, and a lot of testing.”
So more than the White House has done.
Secondly, they are not only not at the regular mansion - they’re not even in LA.
We flashed back to ‘regular’ times (aka February of 2020), when they have video footage of asking Clare Crawley to be the Bachelorette. She obviously knew this was coming since there was someone there filming her conversation.
We see some of her journey here, aka we are forced to endure more Juan Pablo. You may remember she went to Paradise two times. But will this be the one that works for her?
Oh, have we mentioned yet that she’s 39? Because the show sure has!
Then cue some dramatic shots of her quarantining at home. (I did shed a tear over her talking about how tough it’s been with not being able to see her mom, who is in a care facility due to Alzheimers.)
But fear not! Chris Harrison is to the rescue to cure COVID - or at least loneliness. They are going ahead with filming; after testing Clare, and everyone, and staying in Palm Springs, in a...commune?
Then the men were ridiculously whiny about getting COVID tests outside of their personal villas in sunny California. Very tough. Very rough.
We also got to see them all quarantining… which was basically a lot of bed jumping. Just what we tune into escapist TV for.
On the night she’s to meet the men, her and Chris sit down and have a heart to heart, discussing her journey and more about how she’s still trying, even at 39, to find love.
Then we got the man parade - the usual antics (a man in a straight jacket, someone driving a station wagon - so suburban! - a man in a literal bubble), and Clare pretending to think every guy is so clever and funny.
As was obvious from the music change, Dale, former pro-athlete, stole the show in Clare’s eyes. “I knew it. I think I just met my husband.” She seemed truly floored. Feeling things she’s never felt, ever. Chris Harrison said it’s the first time he’s seen anyone so sure. He even seemed a little uncomfortable enough to say “you do know there’s more coming?”
Highlight of the episode: Honey, Clare’s dog, crashing the cocktail party.
Eventually, out came the first impression rose. The man in the straight jacket was still in the straight jacket, despite having been at the party now for presumably a long time. Was he drinking? Was he just sitting there like that with everyone? You have to give up the, not-great-to-begin-with, gag at some point.
Tyler supposedly knew that Yosef was doing stuff all over Instagram, and talking to girls Tyler knew. And he was not going to put up with it. He said something directly to Yosef, who denied it. “I have no idea what mini-McConaughey was saying.”
Yosef then went and told Clare what Tyler is doing. So she pulls Tyler aside, and another guy quips “I hope that’s about the fight and not the first impression rose.”
Of course in front of Clare, Yosef kept pledging his innocence, while the rest of the men, understandably, complained inside about how this was taking away from their potential time with Clare.
For her part, Clare just let them continue to hash it out, as she went to go talk to more of the men.
She pulled Blake aside and part-reprimanded him, part-applauded him for being the only one who broke the rule of no contact pre-show during quarantine. She very much appreciated him doing so, and he was awarded with the first kiss (and the producers made it seem like the first impression rose, but no dice).
That had to go to Dale. Her future husband. Love of her life.
Finally we got to the rose ceremony - at this point it barely really matters who is in and out, because if we haven’t gotten to know the guy in this episode, and he’s eliminated, well, we were never really meant to know them. Thanks for quarantining. Back to isolation at home you go.
(It really does suck for these guys though, they’ve had to put their life on hold longer than they normally would have, but such is love in the time of COVID). But at least they got to hug somebody!
It was FULL daylight out when the rose ceremony was over, which means this was a LONG night. Somebody get that man out of his straight jacket! Has he peed?! Is he ok?!
For what it’s worth - I think I’m team Blake. He’s so cute!
I also do not trust Yosef. Or Tyler (but he’s gone, so bye).
And thus concludes the first episode of the most dramatic season ever.
This season seems like a LOT of drama is on the way, and is almost guaranteed to be a perfect distraction from this dystopian world we’re living in.
Check back next week for a new recap, with more wine and gifs.
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