And so Chelsea scooped him up, however he’s still into Samantha.
Mackenzie from Chris’s season showed up (a single mom who loves aliens). She asked Justin on the date with her.
Then came in Jaclyn from Ben’s season. She doesn’t care what’s happened in the past five weeks, she’s ready to rumble and steal people’s boyfriends (primarily Jared).
Ashley I has decided there is no more time left so she asked for an overnight date so she could potentially lose her v to Jared. So she asked Jared before Jaclyn could get a chance.
Honestly, the whole episode was pretty boring. I think we’re all ready for this season to be over at this point.
She was very torn about this, but luckily for her Dan was straight up and said he saw them as good friends. To quote Dan: “I don’t want to pull a Joe”, which, respect, nobody should pull a Joe. She ended up deciding she actually likes Jared.
Chris Bukowski (who has been on basically every iteration of the Bachelor) showed up, and instead of choosing someone to go on a date with, he just got hammered.
He eventually asked Tenley on a date, but she respectfully denied him. He then gave his date card to Josh, who also asked Tenley, except this time she said yes.
At the cocktail party Ashley I gave Jared a (very long) letter, because she’s a ‘natural born writer’.
There was more drama with Samantha, but I”ve honestly stopped caring at this point.
Carly gave Kirk her rose, Tenley gave hers to Joshua, Jade to Tanner, Juelia to Mikey, Ashley S gave hers to Nick, Ashley I gave hers to Jared, Amber ended up giving hers to Justin, Samantha gave her rose to Dan, which shocked EVERYBODY.
So Joe WENT HOME. HE LEFT. Thank god. Although, pretty shady move from Sam (not that he didn’t deserve it, of course). She tried to back her way out of it, but she should have just let him go.
Can we all just drop this now? We’re over it.
Ashley S tried to call Samantha out but was too struck by her beauty to actually go through with it.
Immediately after all this, Chelsea showed up (from Juan Pablo’s season), and she’s going to try to get Dan. Which should work okay for her since everybody wants Sam gone.
Mikey got a date card, and he brought Juelia to Guadalajara, where they got to watch wrestling, and Mikey was actually really sweet.
Meanwhile Joe tried to confront Sam about lying to him and she was not having. What goes around comes around for both of them.
Kirk and Carly continued to be adorable.
Ashley I. confided in Jorge the bartender, but then somehow became BFFs with Joe.
She convinced Joe to reintroduce himself to Samantha, to start over, but that did NOT go well for him.
Justin from Kaitlyn’s season showed up. Joe jumped up to greet him, just before he locked eyes with Samantha and asked her on a date. And she said yes. Joe remained shockingly calm in the moment, although he did legit call her on her shit later on.
I like that in this season they are practically cutting nobody because all the people they have are already bringing so much drama.
We’re over it, they’re not gonna own up to anything so let’s just leave vils to vil.
Juelia asked Chris Harrison if she could bring Mikey back to see if they had a connection.
But first, we had the rose ceremony. Josh chose Tenley, Kirk chose Carly, Jared chose Ashley I., Tanner chose Jade (but they screwed up and should have showed that first since EVERY shot clearly had her holding a rose), JJ shocked everyone by giving Ashley S. a rose, then leaving to go back to his ex-girlfriend at home. Thank god he gave someone a rose though, showing maybe JJ really isn’t the vil we always thought he was.
Joe obviously chose Samantha, Dan chose Amber, leaving Juelia, Megan and Clare to go home.
Of course, they did decide to bring Mikey back and keep Juelia, which made everyone but Joe and Samantha happen.
Tanner got a date card, and chose Jade, of course. Boring.
Turns out that Nick Peterson, from Bachelorette season 7 and Bachelor Pad was also chatting with Samantha, and came to steal her from Joe. Samantha had other plans though and turned Nick down.
Nick then asked Ashley S., who did say yes. So they got hammered on tequila then massages. Then they made out. Very drunkenly.
It was Joe’s birthday, and he’ll cry if he wants to. Mostly about how Sam isn’t paying as much attention to him as he’d like.
Jared meanwhile decided he’s still not over Kaitlyn. Poor Ashley I. thought she was getting a fun little date with him when he really just wanted to tell her that he’s over it.
Ashley I proceeded to call Kaitlyn and tell her that he’s, like, obsessed with her.
Sam finally decided she would pay attention to “signs” (like Joe being an asshole), and that maybe he wasn’t what she thought he was.
This obviously pissed Joe off, and he is now out to get her. As we said, vils gotta vil.
Turns out that Samantha had sent Joe a message saying to do whatever he could to stay until she got there. All the guys said he just handled it wrong (or, you know, he’s an asshole). But they confronted him regardless and of course he was aggressive and continued with the lies.
She lied in her interviews, seemingly forgetting that they’re ALWAYS mixed and always on film because it’s a REALITY TV PROGRAM. If you knew you liked each other you could have met in real life.
Amber from Chris’s season showed up, and went for Dan. Because of course the one closest to Ashley S needed to come in to sweep up her man.
JJ and Megan hit it off. In his words: “even though we’re different intellectually, every time I look at her I think she’s gorgeous”. How romantic.
The guys continued to try to get Joe to man up and admit to what he did. He continued to be a little bitch about everything.
He’s an infuriating idiot. I can’t even write about him because he makes me so mad.
Jared summed it up for us: “What planet did I land on where JJ is the good guy and Joe is that bad guy?”
Preach Jared, preach.
So the ceremony continued (as a reminder: Carly gave her rose to Kirk, Ashley gave hers to Dan, Jade to Tanner, Tenley gave hers to Joshua) Ashley I gave her rose to Jared, Clare gave hers to JJ, and Juelia gave hers to Joe (girl, no), sending home Jonathan, Mikey and Michael.
My face for the whole rose ceremony was this:
Samantha showed up (if you’re like WHO DAT, she was on Chris’s season and literally didn’t speak on camera). Turns out she was closest to Juelia on their season, oh the irony. She chose Joe to go on a date Immediately).
Turns out Sam and Joe were talking before the show (of course they were, she picked him before even LOOKING at the other guys), which seems super unfair. Just like it was unfair that Nick and Kaitlyn talked before she let him on.
Juelia was upset despite literally everyone warning her this was going to happen.
Ashley S befriended Jorge the bartender.
Megan from Chris’s season showed up. She learned why the state is called New Mexico, while their home for Paradise is just plain Mexico.
When she got there she chose JJ for her date.
Kirk and Carly got it on.
Joe continued to be an asshole throughout the whole episode, gas lighting Juelia. Luckily for Juelia everyone is on her side because maybe don’t screw over the widowed single mother who left her child to find love on this show.
In Mikey’s version of the story: she took her boobs out and said yes. Pretty sure that’s not what happened Mikey boy.
Ashley continued to be ageist towards anyone older than her. Did you know if you reach age 30 you are a cougar for wanting a sex life.
Michael from Desiree’s season showed up with his eyes on Tenley, and asked her on his first date.
When the cocktail party began Juelia immediately said she’ll be giving Joe her rose, despite the fact that Joe is the worst and has been talking about Sam the whole show.
While some of the guys tried to warn Juelia against Joe, he played his manipulation game with her and got her back on his side.
He then went on to say how he wold break Jonathan’s jaw and if they were in Kentucky he’d beat Mikey up as well, because that’s a totally normal, sane reaction.
Jonathan ended up saying he was wrong and crying and apologizing to both Joe and Juelia. And then kept crying and crying because Joe is a MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE.
Observation: Ashley and Jared look like different versions of each other. Maybe that’s where their attraction comes from?
Clare went off on a tangent that nobody really understood. She basically said that last season was better because she hadn’t found a good match yet.
Carly gave her rose to Kirk, Ashley gave hers to Dan, Jade to Tanner, Tenley gave hers to Joshua (leaving the other two in her love square without anything), and Clare had no idea who to give it to so we are to be continued.
Next week Joe continues to be a complete asshole and Ashley S once again sums up our feelings.
Turns out, Lauren’s actually dating a guy who has a girlfriend, and she even referred to herself as a mistress.
Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season (the one who shaved half his head) showed up, and was just who Lauren was hoping for. Before he can even finish the date card, Ashley pulls him away to wing woman his sister. Too bad for her, he asked Tenley on the date.
This pushed Lauren over the edge and she decided to go home to her boyfriend who is someone else’s boyfriend. Nobody cared that Lauren was leaving (except Ashley, who, obviously, cried).
Joe from Kaitlyn’s season showed up as well, and made things incredibly awkward. Apparently all the guys said that Joe was funny before he showed up, but maybe he was one of the fart jokers.
He then said that Clare being at her second Paradise was terrible. She then went and cried by herself and talked to a raccoon yet again. They clearly edited it to look like that but I’ll always take it, because it’s amazing. The racoon was also all over a bottle of wine, because why not.
Joe (sort of) asked Juelia out on a date, but nobody was really sure if he did or not.
Real line from Tenley and Joshua’s date:
T: “I worked for Tokyo Disney.”
J: “So like…Chinese Disney?”
But she still loves his rugged country charm (because she likes big guys).
JJ stole Tenley away when they got home from their date, and he kissed her (SEVERAL times) and was going to sleep peacefully. Little did he know, Josh took Tenley back afterwards for several more kisses.
The next day Josh revealed some of this true colours (his love of the drug Molly and partying). When Tenley confronted him after hearing it from other people he flat out lied to her.
Juelia pulled Jonathan aside to let him know that she was feeling a connection with Joe, meanwhile Joe was talking about how he thought that Juelia was pretty dumb to a producer. He went on to basically say the date was not good and she was not the right person for him, but he let her kiss him so he could get the rose. Because what he really wants is Samantha (from Chris’s season) comes on and he will have kids with her.
The best part was when the producer yelled at Joe for farting with his legs open. YASS QUEEN.
Jared got a date card and asked Clare on the date. Which obviously made one million things blow up, drama wise. Ashley went crying and Mikey is mad because obviously he owns Clare and it’s her fault for not making it clear (UM WUT) about how she feels about him. This drama will continue tomorrow night.
Is Jared just like way better looking in person? I don’t get the ladies obsession with him.
Ashley S came back from camp, she just wasn’t feeling well. But entitled Clare who just walked in and had met him three seconds prior is pissed that he took Ashley S to the hospital where they had a pseudo-date.
Clare ended up choosing Mikey for her first date on the island, much to her chagrin. They end up doing tantric yoga together, because totalllllly normal first dates, right? Only took one and a bit episodes to get someone to say sexual chakras.
After weaselling his way into a date with Clare, Mikey continued to disregard Clare flat out telling him that she wasn’t that interested in him throughout the date. But he’s still convinced they’re on the same page.
Ashley S got a date card in tonight’s episode, and unsurprisingly, chose Dan. She told us that she likes him a lot (in an Australian accent), and that she’s not sure if he makes her feel like a woman or a child, but she likes it either way.
Tenley is sad because nobody likes her, so she tries to steal Jared away and Ashley I cries some more.
JJ believes he should receive gifts because he has a rose. TRUE LOVE LADIEZ.
While Jillian thinks that she has JJ in the palm of her hand, Tenley was not giving up that easy (despite not wanting to work for it) - PS. Tenley has never been sent home in her Bachelor history. Girl, maybe this isn't working for you?
Jared promised Clare a rose despite telling Ashley I how great she is. Ashley (surprise) cried more.
Then came the rose ceremony. Tanner gave his to Jade, Kirk gave his to Carly, Dan gave his to Ashley S., Jonathan gave his to Juelia, Mikey gave his rose to Clare, while Jared gave his to Ashley I (and Lauren) and JJ gave his rose to Tenley after many dramatics. And so Jillian was sent home.
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