Because why would we jump into a rose ceremony, Kaitlyn must first go on a two-on-one date with Joe and JJ. She’ll have to send one of them home.
JJ mentioned Bono (they’re in Ireland) within the first few minutes of the date. Then things went immediately silent and awkward.
Don’t worry, things got interesting fast when JJ admitted to Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife and that it destroyed his life (yeah no shit Sherlock). Kaitlyn said that she understands he probably learned a lot from that experience and wouldn’t make that mistake again. Katie needs a girlfriend here right now for some real girl talk to say: once a cheater, always a cheater. Don’t fucking do it.
Luckily she still got rid of JJ, using the excuse that he should probably be with his daughter.
Can we all agree two-on-ones are literally the worst? There is nothing more awkward. Never forget when Chris left two ladies out in the middle of the desert.
Shawn was contemplating on a bench in front of the mansion they’re staying at before the guys left for their two-on-one. Apparently there was NOTHING else to do in Ireland that day because they cut to him in the exact same position IN THE DARK. GO HOME SHAWN. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.
He couldn’t even listen to Joe talk about his date, so he left (presumably in search for a new bench). Before he can find any benches to perch he stops by Kaitlyn’s room (again). She’s still concerned that he knows what happened with Nick. But he just wants to talk about how she has said she told him he’s it.
She now regrets telling him that because she was just saying it to reassure him and not because she actually means it.
We finally hit the rose ceremony. This week it’s a cozy mid-show ceremony.
It’s here that Ben confronts Kaitlyn because he knows she has said something to Shawn that gave him validation.
Because Katie-pie couldn’t get over the fact that she slept with Nick she confronted Nick and asked him to never mention what happened in the privacy of their room. He had a mini freakout and said he would never say anything and he got real spasm-y. Maybe if he hadn’t talked about what happened with Andi in the fantasy suite the ladies would trust he could keep his damn mouth shut.
There was more talking with Shawn explaining how the process actually worked.
Then we finally saw some roses. Ben H., Chris, and Shawn got the roses. Sending Ben Z. and Tanner (totally forgot about him) home.
The group headed out for a road trip, Kaitlyn and Jared riding together in a cool car while all the guys were on a lame bus.
Chris Harrison decided that Kaitlyn needed to get her other relationships up to speed, and for that to happen they would need off-camera time. To do this, they’re switching things up. This week she’ll cut THREE GUYS and get down to the remaining three, then they’ll have the fantasy suites, then they’ll do the hometown dates.
This is very very different from how the show does things.
So first she’s going to have one-on-one dates, then decide which ones she does not want to spend the night with.
Cupcake got the first date, but she quickly knew that she couldn’t see it going any further and so she got on her helicopter and left him on a mountainside. Cupcake called her a mess and doesn’t think she knows what she wants right now. Then we saw Cupcake crying. It almost looked like he was going to jump off the cliff he was left on.
Next week Kaitlyn tells the guys she and Nick had sex. Then it looks like it comes down to either Shawn or Nick for a final rose. Ladies and, well, ladies, this is what we’ve been waiting for.
Kaitlyn admitted that she’s not as deep as he is but that doesn’t mean she’s surface level either. She made the A+ point that humour is important to her and that she hasn’t seen that in him. So he’s not the only one who hasn’t seen what he’s liked here.
Also, Ian, so fucking what if humour is the first thing a girl looks for in a guy? Apparently the first thing you look for is a broken vulnerable woman.
She asked him if she didn’t think he was being super rude and offensive (tip to Ian: you are).
She then said “I am not going to sit here and convince you otherwise, if that’s how you feel you can go”. So he did. Thank the lord. But did you know he was being punished for being an intellectual?
Also, watch out ladies - most women with their teeny tiny lady brains can’t connect to the very deep Ian.
He wasn’t there for the Kaitlyn who wanted her field ploughed, but his last words on the show were: “Oh man, I need some sex”. Because he’s a man. So he needs it. Kaitlyn just wants it. Duhhhhh.
I haven’t loved Kaitlyn as the Bachelorette, but holy shit did she ever handle that situation better than just about anyone else ever could.
But he’s gone, let’s move on.
Nick (who, reminder, has a rose), went up to comfort Kaitlyn in her time of need. And great foreshadowing: he wants to know her inside out.
She spent most of the rest of the night with Nick, and when Shawn came up to interrupt them she was macking hard on Nick and Shawn stormed out.
FINALLLY we got our rose ceremony (I mean, come on, this is getting ridiculous).
Roses went to: Jared, Chris, JJ (remember when he was the bad one?), Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. Bye-bye bad haircut.
Now the crew heads to Dublin, Ireland. FYI Nick: There actually are better places to fall in love than Ireland.
The first one-on-one in Dublin was with Nick. NICK. UGH. What about the other guys who have been there since the beginning who haven’t gotten a one-on-one?
The guys in the house think Shawn just needs a good cry. We agree wholeheartedly.
Nick and Kaitlyn start getting it on in a church. Because it IS Ireland - THE place to fall in love. But since that got creepy, Kaitlyn invited Nick back to her hotel. They pulled a classic Robert Durst and their mics were hot after they went into the bedroom, and we could hear them getting it on (quietly).
Nick stayed the night and Kaitlyn had some major balcony thoughts afterwards (like “has this ever happened before?”). Seriously, she was out on the balcony forever. And they made it seem like they were spying on her when she was clearly talking to a producer.
Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Chris, and Ben H., got the Ireland group date where they had a traditional Irish wake for Kaitlyn (who played dead). They all gave speeches to her. Ben Z. took it real serious (he’s the one who lost his mom when he was younger). Which was a douchey move on Kaitlyn’s part to plan this particular date with him.
Jared got the group date rose, and therefore more alone time with her (and The Cranberries).
This is what started Shawn’s decline. He left the group of guys that had been drinking together and appeared to be talking one of the producers. Clearly he was hammered and talking about his parents divorce and why he has his trust issues.
He showed up to her room to tell her he can’t handle it anymore. This led to her crying in her confessional saying she couldn’t do it any more because she felt her one mistake would potentially make Shawn leave.
Here’s the thing, the way they had cut this together in the previews mad it look like someone else slut shamed Kaitlyn (which, Ian definitely did, but not for sleeping with Nick), but she’s really just down on herself. We all make mistakes girl. It’ll be okay.
Next episode the guys are crying, there are new twists. Kaitlyn feels worse.
But wait! What is happening with Brady and Britt? Have they opened up a small crafts shop together yet? Nope, but he has met her mom who thinks he'd make a GREAT friend.
The guys who got the rose were Ben H., Ben Z., Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, and Nick. Ryan and Jonathan and Corey all had to leave then. Bye boys.
The rest of the group got to go to San Antonio, Texas, to warm their toes.
Here Ben H. got a one-on-one with Kaitlyn. They went to two-step competition, because there haven’t been enough awkward performances this season yet.
Ben H. impressed Kaitlyn enough to give him the rose (despite the fact he was drinking champagne while she was chugging back whiskey).
Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua and Nick got the group date. Leaving Shawn with the other one-on-one.
The group date consisted of more humiliation and writing and performing, this time with some mariachi music. Great news, the disc man is alive and well and is still being manufactured strictly for Bachelor use.
If the mariachi kid from this episode could be the Bachelor as soon as he turns 18 that would be great.
Joshua got Kaitlyn to cut his hair while he was blindfolded and she decided to shave off just a part of his hair. She attempted a mohawk but the clippers died halfway through so he got a partial mohawk. It is amazing.
A little later, Joshua took her to a church to rat Nick out (and all the other guys for lying to her face). Kaitlyn just wants the guys to get over the Nick thing already! It’s not her fault that she screwed over everyone by bringing in a known slut-shaming asshole.
After she confronted the guys Joshua said they were all being honest, throwing the bachelorette herself under the bus. The guys subsequently threw Joshie boy and his dumb haircut under the bus.
Because of all the drams, she for some reason gave Nick the group date rose (UGH UGH UGH). And chances are Joshua is going home immediately.
Her and Shawn got to do something nobody has ever done and never will do again - kayak. He then told her about his near-death car accident and said that he was falling in love with her. He’s obviously here for the right reasons.
Ian feels like Kaitlyn doesn’t like him (poor baby). He also feels like she’s not right for him - which is fair. Just leave then.
But he took it further by saying “there’s nothing wrong with me, there’s somethings wrong with her”. And that if he was on the other side of the coin, and was the Bachelor, and had 25 girls to choose from, this system would work for him. So basically he was JUST here to become the next Bachelor. BARF EVERYWHERE.
Other notables from Ian: Kaitlyn is not as hot as his ex-girlfriend. He is a gift you unwrap for life. He meets chicks and has a lot of sex in his own life.
He came here to meet the broken hearted girl, not the girl who wanted her field ploughed. He questions her intentions, and he thinks she’s here just to make our with guys on TV.
Some thoughts about Nick and his name:
Nick the Dick
Nick the Butt Lick
Nick the Prick
Nick the Clit
Nick the Nitwit
Nick V - does the V stand for Vagina? Vagrant? Virign (we know this one isn’t true)? Viagra? Villain? Vomit?
Hello, Nick V., longtime no see.
This week started with Clint getting called out by Kaitlyn finally. He kept talking about JJ and his relationship and how great that was. In the end she told him she was done and that she couldn’t trust him.
JJ flipped on Clint when they went in to say goodbye, and told Clint that he owed everyone an apology. They then got into an argument outside of the party, then JJ started crying. Because this is the most dramatic season that has nothing to do with the actual Bachelorette.
Kaitlyn ended up deciding not to have a rose ceremony because her emotions were too all over the place.
The crew also packed their bags to leave the mansion forever.
Their first stop is NYC.
Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ and Shawn got the first group date of the night. They had to rap. I mean, the whitest show on earth and they force them to rap. It was….oh there are no words.
But guess who made a special appearance, Ashley from her season, as well as Nick from Andi’s season. I mean, we all know the Bachelor Nation is incestuous but apparently they can now just show up on each other’s shows. PS. we hated Nick.
She basically ditched her dates to hang out with Nick. But she gave Justin the rose (one of them even called it the most meaningless rose in the history of the show).
She went to crazy Ashley (remember the onion girl?) for advice and for help with her hair (because braids are tough?). She actually had some decent advice for her, although apparently not good enough to help Kaitlyn decide.
She ended up letting Nick stay and compete with the other guys.
Then she went on her one-on-one with Jared. Poor Jared didn’t stand a chance because she was distracted by how the guys would handle Nick. Basically this whole episode revolved around Nick. But fuck the other guys, right Kaitlyn? He at least still got a rose.
The last group date went to Ian, Chris, Joe, Joshua and Ben H. They had to go through a true Broadway audition. The person who performed the best got a one-on-one date for the night with Kaitlyn and that was Chris (Cupcake). Great news to all those struggling actors who want to make it on Broadway, you just have to get on the Bachelorette and then you can get a walk-on role in the musical of your dream! Of course Chris got a rose.
The end of this week’s episode focused on Nick moving into the house, which will continue into next week.
Once again, there was no rose ceremony. (Maybe they’re phasing them out?).
We also got another peek at Britt and Brady. While they claimed it's been awhile that they've been together I'm still convinced they filmed it all in one day. But that didn't stop the claim from Brit that she thinks she could marry him.
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