Before we could actually start watching tonight we got a sneak preview that Chad was going to be a “super douche” tonight. And he started off by telling everyone to fuck themselves because he was going to make her his wife.
This week there is two group dates and a one-on-one date.
For the first group date it was Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Aly, James F., Wells, and Robby. To start the date off, a flaming limo pulled into the driveway, and then a firetruck with Jojo at the helm came to put the fire out.
Cue one million references of Jojo being hot and and on fire and etc etc I hate everything. I really wish that bit would have ended like this. Then I would have been happy.
While the others were on the group date, Chad filled his suitcase with protein powder and supplements, tied it around his waist and did pull ups.
Meanwhile, the guys on the date had to compete in firefighter tasks to spend extra time with Jojo. Wells took the route of getting heat stroke to get a few extra minutes with her. The guy who won time with Jojo was Grant, but Wells got the rose in the end. Don’t reward the weak, Jojo!
The second date card was for Derek, for the one-on-one date. You all remember Derek right? Right?
His date was all about what choices he decided to make (sky, sea, north, south, etc). He apparently chose right because he got a rose.
The last group date went to Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, Chad. This group date went to ESPN, which obviously everyone loved. They had to “strike the rose” and come up with their own touch down dances, then they had to propose after spinning around. Chad was NOT into these little games, and called Jojo “naggy”. James got the rose for this date.
Before the rose ceremony even began, Chad was waiting outside for Jojo and took her on a walk, which was a great move, even though it pissed the rest of the guys off.
The rest of the night Chad spent eating as much meat as humanely possible. It was hysterical.
Everyone else spent the rest of the night hating on Chad. Which, Chad isn’t a nice guy, but they all need to back off of this because it doesn’t look good, it never does.
Chad did show his true colours after Alex pushed him a little too far and Chad started threatening him. It didn’t have a chance to go too far though.
The roses went to Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, and Chad. Sending home James, the Hipster and another dude we don’t remember.
Until next week, we wish you a week of meat and perfect commentary and no songs about Jojo.
After reminiscing about how terrible Ben was, we put him in the past and Jojo met with past Bachelorette’s to give her advice. And I was into their advice which was: “why wouldn’t you kiss someone on the first night?” YAS.
Then we started to meet the men, the ones that got segments included: Grant, the firefighter; Jordan, the former NFLer (and lil bro to Aaron Rodgers); Alex, the marine (who has a married twin brother); James, who is apparently JUST a Bachelor Superfan (hey bud if we could get paid for this we would, duh); Evan, a former pastor-turned-erectile-dysfunction-specialist; Ali, a bartender and family failure; Christian, a telecom consultant; and Luke, war veteran and cowboy.
Now we should be fully prepared for Jojo to meet these guys.
First of all, Jojo was goddamn FIRE tonight. She looked unreal.
The first guy she met was Jordan, who went for just a classic introduction, and let her know that his parents were engaged after only a few months of dating. So far, I really like him. He was easy going but not too pushy. First impression was great.
Then we had Derek, a commercial banker (who didn’t warrant his own segment so let’s not get too attached).
Then she met Grant, who promised he wouldn’t fall in love with two girls, which, like, I hope not buddy. Do you know what show you’re on? It’s not exactly an option here.
Then we had James F., a boxing club owner (no segment, no dice).
Robby, a former competitive swimmer. No segment, but he did bring wine that they drank out of the bottle.
Alex was up next. He seemed nervous, but kept things simple.
Next was Will, a civil engineer who had cards and full bit prepared.
Chad, a luxury real estate agent (not some regular real estate agent), was creepy and way too serious for her.
Daniel, whose job is apparently just BEING CANADIAN. I can already tell he’s going to give us a bad name.
Then we had Ali, who just looked so genuinely excited to be there.
Of course the guy named James Taylor was a singer-songwriter.
Luckily there was another Canadian, a technical sales rep named Jonathan to pick up where Daniel left off, although I’m not sure he’s going to do us much better. He did show up in a kilt though so respect to that.
Not as much respect to the guy who showed up as Santa, though. This was supposedly Saint Nick. No other name given. Ugh. He strictly relied on the pun of using Jojojo instead of hohoho.
Chase, a medical sales rep, wore sunglasses with a moustache attached just to make the most classic terrible moustache puns ever.
Jake, a landscape architect, Sal, operations manager, Coley, a real estate agent, and Brandon A HIPSTER, got pretty little screen time which doesn’t bode well for them.
Then we had James, the superfan, and Nick S., a software consultant, Vinny, a barber, Peter, a staffing agency manager, and Evan all quickly introduced.
Wells, a DJ, brought an A Capella group to perform for her.
Christian showed up on a unicorn and was confident and nice, so he won points there.
Then, following in her footsteps from last season, Luke rode in a ‘real unicorn’. This won a lot of points with her, and brought us to the end of the men.
Every single guy seemed to talk about how nervous and tense they all were. All she wanted was ease and a connection. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
My front runner, Jordan, was the first one to be at ease and relaxed with her. Yas Jordan, don’t fuck this up. He even went back to get her first real kiss of the show, because he knew he missed his opportunity. Get it, bb.
Chad is the creepiest dude in the group. He’s also clearly manipulative. He said offensive things in his confessional, and then acted very sweet to Jojo while clearly showing he’s not going to be the nicest dude. He’s going to be the Nick Viall of this season.
Daniel is terrible, but not as creepy as Chad. He’s just a conceited idiot, who likes to poke people in the belly button. He then decided it was time to get naked, and pose like he was crafting an Instagram picture. He was described as “white Canadian wasted” right before he jumped into the pool.
He wasn’t the only wasted one though, as a couple of the dudes drunkenly kept trying to crash her interviews.
Was nervous for a moment that Luke (a fellow Texan) was going to get the first impression rose, but she did the right thing and gave the rose to Jordan. I SO hope I’m right and Jordan goes all the way this season.
Before we got to the rose ceremony (although they were all there and waiting), a special guest showed up. As has become Bachelor Nation tradition, a former Bachelor just had to crash the party. This time it was Jake Pavelka. Apparently he is a close family friend to Jojo’s family, and ‘like a brother’ to her. Basically it was an elaborate way for him to say he wants her to find love. A fucking text will suffice next time, buddy.
Then we, finally, got down to the nitty gritty, with Jojo picking the puppies she wants from the pound.
The men who got roses were: Jordan (obviously), Luke, Wells, James T., Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad (EW NO THANK YOU), Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Saint Nick (seriously WTF?), Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, and Daniel. Like, drunk off his ass, made a fool of himself, and was an asshole Daniel. Starting to worry about Jojo’s judgement here.
The men sent home: Jake, Jonathan, Peter, Nick S., and possibly some other dudes we’ve already forgotten.
Coming up this season: the men all yell “JOJO!” at various points. There are I Love Yous. And it looks like Jojo recognizes that Chad is a bad guy, but maybe won’t be able to stop herself. Everyone hates Jordan. Robby is potentially lying and has a girlfriend. And the men actually feel unsafe around Chad, and it looks like Chris has to take him aside, and there WILL be blood this season.
The reward challenge tonight was for one of the most substantial things at this point in the game: a meal that was specifically designed to refuel them exactly as they should be (protein, protein, protein). Aubry won, with everyone close on her tail. She strategically chose Cydney to have a meal as well.
Then we had the most important immunity challenge of the season. This one is always the MOST exhausting. They are tiring just to watch. Michele ended up coming from way behind (Aubry had a killer lead and Michele was in last), in a super impressive win. So she is one of the final three.
Tribal went to a tie between Cydney and Aubry (boo, I wanted a three woman finale). So of course we went to fire making at this point in the game. THIS IS WHAT WE WATCH FOR.
Aubry fairly quickly got her fire up and to the rope, but not enough to burn through it, before her fire structure came crashing down. The next time she had it lined up perfectly, which allowed her to win, making Cydney the eighth member of the jury. It was really sweet and sad to see the two of them say goodbye, there were lots of tears.
Jeff tried to trick them into thinking there was another immunity challenge, and one of them would be leaving, but it turns out the challenge reward was to vote a JURY MEMBER out. THIS IS WHAT WE WATCH FOR. That is absolutely massive. In a very close match up, Michele took it once again, just dominating these challenges.
Michele ended up voting out Neil, who had some WORDS for Michele as he left. She definitely made the right choice.
They had their usual mirror and scale visit, so they could see the toll the game has taken on their poor, poor bodies. Followed by their last feast.
We then had the final tribal, where they each pled their typical cases and we said goodbye to Mark the chicken, who also lasted 39 days. Then the vote happened.
Finally we got to find out who would be this season’s Survivor. And the winner was, shockingly, Michele. (Both million and dollars have two L’s, why can’t her name?)
If you need me, I’ll be over here waiting for my anger to set in.
PS. Sia showed up at the reunion, and donated $50,000 to Tai, and another $50,000 to an animal charity of his choice, because sure.
For the reward challenge was individual, playing for a spa day, where they finally get to wash themselves, eat, and even sleep in a real bed. Huge advantage at this point of the game, and one of my favourite rewards. Joe, who is 71 remember, shockingly won the reward, after being in last place and taking his time. He obviously chose Aubry and Cydney to join him.
After the reward, where Joe ate lots of meat, he experienced some severe stomach pain and couldn’t urinate. (Been there Joe, I know that pain and yeah, it’s that bad). The doctor told him if he couldn’t urinate it would hurt his kidneys. The doctor came for a second visit and pulled Joe from the game. At least he went out on a high note of winning a challenge, although it was really emotional to see him go. This also makes it the season with the most evacuations (we're at three).
Because we only have four left now, there was no tribal this week. And on that note, next week is the season finale!
For the reward challenge they were split into two teams competing for their annual charity reward, this time the charity had to do with animals. The teams were Joe, Aubry and Cydney taking on Tai, Jason and Michele. The latter ended up winning by a long shot.
The immunity challenge was an intense building block challenge, and while everyone rushed through it and Cydney took her time being in dead last, she never ended up dropping hers and took the immunity necklace home in one of the sweetest wins of the season (especially since she just beat Jason).
Line of the night goes to Aubry: “I think tribal is going to be alive, and I’m going to be waking it up”. Girl.
During tribal, Tai used his extra vote advantage, which he used on Michele. This plan didn’t work however (because as if Tai ever keeps an alliance and has gained any trust), and Jason ended up being the eleventh person voted out and the sixth member of the jury. FINALLY.
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